Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Emotionally hijacked...

Wow... I have got to get a handle on myself. It seems like every time plans change, money gets tight, I have a disagreement, or any other little thing happens, I just lose it. My emotions just take over and off we go on some sort of stress-hormone induced bad trip. To put it bluntly- it sucks. I feel all out of sorts. I get all down in the dumps and internalize whatever is going on, making it all my fault and concluding that basically I just plain can't cut the mustard. Why do I feel like it is OK to be so mean to myself? And why do I feel like it is my God-given duty to save everyone else from themselves? I mean, I consciously know that everyone has the right to make whatever decisions they choose to make. You know, it's called "free will." Sometimes I seriously wonder if there isn't actually something hormonally wrong with me besides being a drama queen of the first degree.

The biggest problem with this whole messy scene, this emotional derailment, is the effect that it has on my lifestyle choices. It immediately sends me into punish- yourself-because-you-don't-deserve-anything-good mode. Ridiculous. And all because things get tough or somebody lets me down, or even because I let myself down. I start to crave all sorts of things that are really really really terrible for me including (but not exclusively)- fast food flesh burgers, deep fried death food, drugs of any and all kinds (even ones I have never done before, at least not in this lifetime), angry confrontations, toxic thought patterns, coffee, sugar, sugar, ice creamy products, bread, and maybe even more sugar. Now, I *usually* don't give in and indulge in these things. But- the worst part of it is that now to go along with the bad feelings I am having, I have these wicked cravings to deal with as well. And of course, I feel like an idiot for craving these things in the first place. It is exhausting. I just want it to stop. Now, don't get me wrong, when I am eating a predominately cooked diet this whole scene is much worse and I go even further off the deep end, usually culminating in deep, dark depression and hopelessness. Now that I am raw or "rawer", I am able to reign it in somewhat. Actually, now that I think about it, this whole emotional dementia thing is one of the reasons that I came to be raw in the first place. I guess what I am really wanting is to have enough spiritual faith and clarity that I don't emotionally react to such a degree every time something challenging comes up. I also would like to stop feeling so wounded and wronged all the time. I mean all that crap happened a long time ago, why should it still be such a huge part of who I am?

All I know for sure is that I am feeling better and better the longer I am raw and caring for myself regardless of my rides on the emotional roller coaster. I guess I should just be happy with this. I should just choose to allow myself to be satisfied and stop constantly reaching for perfection. Perfection that my conscious mind knows doesn't even exist. Perfection that my spirit knows cannot not exist. You get my drift? No. Me either... Ah well, tomorrow will be a better day, I hope.

I guess I'll just go and count my blessings, or something.

One love to you all until tomorrow.

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