Sunday, June 24, 2007

The dark side of the moon...


Even though the moon has been very bright lately, I feel like I am firmly rooted on it's dark side today. Man, I am feeling down and out. I did finally get my period today, so that could be part of it, and I haven't been eating 100% raw, so that could be some more of it, and, finally, I am stressed out to the max with the impending road trip. And, of course, what do I do when I am stressed, I cook. I cook beautiful, succulent, delicious, nutritious (compared to SAD), and oh-so-vegan food. I have been cooking forever. I have gotten extremely good at it and did it professionally for a number of years. I am truly passionate about food. Now one part of me believes the whole "cooked food is poison" theory, and another part truly believes that the glorious, love-filled (I know it is love filled because I'm the one that put it there) concoctions that I currently have bubbling away on my stove, are in no-way bad for me or anyone else for that matter. Then I eat the stuff. It tastes great and truly does make me feel better for the rest of the day. I don't crash out, I don't feel the need to binge that I do when I am 100% raw, in short, I feel like a normal person eating a delicious meal with my family. But what happens between the time I close my eyes that night and then open them in the morning is a totally different story. The next morning there is invariably at least a 1.5 lb. weight gain, literally overnight. I usually have a stuffy nose and am immediately grouchy. I crave caffeine to help me wake up. I want a cooked breakfast or at least a very rich smoothie as soon as I have downed the coffee/tea... It is like some sort of gourmet monster wakes up inside of me and proceeds to scream "FEED ME!!!" all day long. Which I usually decide to do, which leads to more cooking, more eating, more obesity, more depression, etc. on and on ad naseum... Then there is the raw food end of the spectrum. I wake up happy and refreshed because I actually slept through the whole night instead of getting up 3 times to pee. I cheerfully kiss my husband good morning and go to the kitchen and make us our green juice. I go about my day energetically and usually accomplish everything I set out to. In short, everything is great, except when it isn't. If I am at all stressed out, the desire to cook comes back with a vengeance and no amount of raw food prep seems to satisfy the gourmet monster. Then I give in and "cook for my family", end up overeating the food, and sometimes even follow up the overeating with a full-on binge, usually vegan, but a binge none-the-less. And on and on it goes.

I have been in this sort of holding pattern, you know, 3-steps-forward-2-steps-back kinda deal for about 1.5 years now. I understand that there is the whole "transition" period and all that, but jeez, I really just want to be through with this whole craving/addiction to cooked foods and the side effect of feeling bad about myself because I seem to have no "willpower" or "self-discipline".

If anybody out there knows the magic cure, please, for the love of God/dess, share your secret with me...

4 comments:

Connie said...

You did a very good job of putting into words what many of us feel. Our raw food voyage often has ups and downs, and mood swings can be part of your detox. Hang in there!

Blessings!
Connie

Queen B said...

Thanks Connie.
I'm feeling much better now.
Thanks for your support.
Blessings.

nicole said...

you might want to check out EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique. It has to do with acupuncture without the needles. It really works for me. Keep bloggin!

Queen B said...

Hi Nicole-
Thanks for the EFT reminder! I started to learn it once and have the info and everything.. I'll just keep saying to myself "stay on task, keep on tapping" Thanks for the info about the magic cure!