I've been workin' my way back to you, babe...

OK darlings... I'm just gonna let you know that I feel like a dork blogging here when I am not eating all raw... Which just happens, you know. I definitely do not want to put myself out there as some sort of "100% successful raw foodist" poser. Ewww. But, I have decided to just get over myself and blog about my raw journey, issues and all, because my intention is always to eat raw, even if my addictions/emotional issues sometimes cause me to sabotage myself... Plus, I have noticed that writing about my challenges really helps me to process them and sometimes even helps me to release behaviors that are holding me back. So here goes, the story of my summer slide down the slippery slopes of my mountain of issues. I think I just fell completely off track during my "wanna-be-a-juice-feaster" phase which brought up every craving, addiction, and self-discipline issue that I could ever even imagine having plus a few more... Now, I'm not bashing juice feasting in any way!!! It is an amazing process with huge cleansing and restorative power. Unfortunately, it just sent me right off my rocker, which, let's face it, doesn't take much. So, after I gave up the juice feasting I just really white-knuckled it trying to resist the cravings for fried starch with sugar... Gross. Anyhow, will power, self-discipline, or whatever you want to call it, just isn't one of my greatest gifts. Needless to say, I began the lovely ping pong game of cooked (vegetarian but not always vegan) vs. raw... A game nearly as boring as watching a real ping pong game except on top of being boring it also makes you fatter, depressed and comes with a lovely feeling of self-defeat. After a while of that I was (understandably) feeling really weak and tired all the time. So I somehow convinced myself that I needed to eat more protein which led to eating eggs and even fish on about 5 occasions. I also began drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee as well. For that I can only plead retardation... I told you it's a slippery slope. Anyhow, the eggs and fish did make me feel a little more balanced and I did have a little more energy (coulda been the coffee), but I have also gained about 15-20 lbs... Ugghhh. I do have to say that I am grateful to have realized that I am the kind of person who gains weight when I eat inappropriate food for humans. Because if I didn't I would probably continue eating it until it killed me, without much concern because I would be thin anyway, seriously. The bottom line is that I get high off of cooked food. And, I have been high on it all my life. Not the easiest habit to kick. Plus, besides tasting good and being a socially acceptable addictive substance that I can get anywhere, it feels good for at least a few minutes after I eat it. However, my expanding midsection and tight clothes do not. Which brings me to where I am at right now. Experts say to replace your addiction with something that is good for you, for example, quit snorting piles of cocaine and take up jogging... I'm not sure that would work for me. I'm more apt to jog for about 5 minutes, break a sweat, and say "Fuck jogging. Snorting cocaine is so much more fun." Thank Goddess I don't have a cocaine issue. (Knocking on wood really hard) So I have decided that even though I may not be able to give up Dunkin Donuts lattes, bread, and cheese (the kind made from cow milk) for jogging, I may be able to bite the bullet and give up a cooked food high for a much healthier raw high. I know that getting high on food in general might not be considered PC in the "raw community" but I have finally made my peace with it. The bottom line is that everything we put into our bodies has an effect on how we feel. So we are all getting high on food regardless of what we eat. As an "addiction" prone person maybe the best thing I can do for myself is just to get the healthiest buzz I can manage. Maybe I can just learn to love and stop judging myself and trying to change all my "faults". So what if I like to get a good buzz on. At least my preferences in mind altering substances have improved, let me tell ya... Maybe if I can just accept that I am who I am and be happy about it I'll be OK. There is so much more to me than being fat and thin-obsessed. I'm just going to focus on doing what feels truly good and remembering that life really is one big raw-chocolate party... Maybe one day the feeling of having a healthy body will be all the high I need, but for now, it's all good. I am what I am. Peace out y'all. Big kisses and hugs. And don't forget to shake your ass today, OK?

Yes, Grasshopper...

Feeling fine today darlings, that is for sure! Life is grand! I had an epiphany yesterday and realized that sometimes I am just too uptight. I am too hard on myself and I over analyze everything. I just need to get over myself, seriously. All of this anal retentive worrying just isn't my style... So from here on out I am all about lightening up. Literally. My heavy thoughts and the attending heavy emotions are creating and enforcing the heaviness of my physical body. The ironic thing is that there is no need for it anymore. I am free to live however I choose. I am a grownup now. I am no longer under the oppressive heaviness that I experienced in my youth. I haven't actually been there in over 10 years. I was just emotionally stuck there, stuck in that perspective... I have been inadvertently reliving my past because I didn't know any better. It was all still too foggy, but when I began to live a more enlightened lifestyle the fog began to lift and I started to awaken and to remember, to get out of my own spiritual purgatory... It's actually a really cool experience (now that I am starting to understand what the hell is happening and I becoming am less afraid) And that, right there, is why I love raw food. It lifts the fog and lets us shine our true light. It lifts up our vibration and we begin to actualize our glorious human potential. The beauty and light that we begin to radiate comes from within. Raw food feeds the light and it begins to shine brighter and brighter. We begin to feel better and better and have more and more energy to... That is where I sometimes get confused. What am I supposed to do with all of this energy that I have all of a sudden? I would get all balled up and uptight because I didn't know what to do with myself. Now I do. I'm not supposed to do anything. I can do what ever I choose to do. I am free to do what ever I choose to do at the time. Isn't that fantastic? I am free. I made it. I am not "there" anymore. I am here now. It feels great.

I feel weird...

Still Juice Feasting. Had a temporary detour yesterday when I thought I should have a green smoothie since I was actually salivating over the pulp left in the juicer... Bad idea since one not juice thing sort of led to another... No big deal really. I'm right back at it. Watermelon juice so far today. I am feeling very unsettled, flighty, and yet really tired. It is just really strong detoxification going on and I realize that but it still feels sort of yucky. And I am even more sensitive than usual which is always extra special. I keep seeing these brilliant flashes of light, red and white. I am being led to/finding the most interesting things in my everyday life. Plus I, who am not pregnant, feel sort of like I am in childbirthing labor... I just keep reassuring myself that it is all worth it and I am really blessing myself by undergoing this process. Ummm, ok.

Here are some more garden pictures.
Hope you are all doing great. Peace and blessings!

Juice Feasting Day 10

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling really low energy and depressed. It got worse throughout the day and finally by last night I felt just awful. I also had really bad heartburn and all the food that I prepared for my family looked really appetizing. I never really thought about quitting this feast but I did want to eat something. I hadn't taken my oils or msm or bee pollen in a couple of days and was wondering if that could have has something to do with it. However, I think the real culprit was the "fresh squeezed" OJ and grapefruit juice that I had bought at a local citrus outlet. I asked the lady who was selling it if it was pasteurized and she told me no very adamantly so I believed her. I think she was wrong. I also put some honey into a few cups of hot tea and realized after that I was probably cooking the honey. I will not do that again. The moral of this juice feasters story is-
Juice it yourself because cooked sugars do not do a body good.

Here is a picture of the frangipani that is blooming so nicely in our backyard... Too bad you cannot smell it through your screen. It is just heavenly I tell ya!

A love and light big up to all of you darling beings! Peace xxoo

Juice Feasting Days 1-7

This is just a short sweet update-

I am loving this juice feast!!! Today is day seven and I already feel like a new person. Day four was a little rough emotionally and I was tired but it wasn't really that big of a deal. I haven't had many cravings and haven't had a hard time preparing food for my family either. It is much easier for me to juice feast than to try to eat 100% raw. This whole process seems very natural actually. It is like my body recognises juice as nutrition and so I really enjoy it. I have much more energy and my skin is looking much nicer. I sleep very soundly and really love drinking the juices. Plus, I have been going to the beach with Lincoln in the afternoons for swimming and a walk on the beach. The water is lovely, though sadly, not quite Caribbean...

Also, Lincoln started Montessori school last week and totally loves it. It has been a little stressful though with the new "get ready for school" routine in addition to my morning juicing session. I am actually really loving it and feeling that I have plenty of energy to get everything done.

I don't really like the taste of the MSM at all...

I'm looking forward to learning more about this whole fantastic process that I am currently undergoing.

Love and light beams to all of you darlings out there! Every single one of you!

They say it's my birthday!

Today, I turn 32. Finally. For some reason, for the past year I have been telling everyone that asks me how old I am that I am 32. I don't know why. Maybe I was just subconsciously very excited to turn 32. It feels like this will be a very good year for me. I am actually starting to feel like a grown-up which is kind of nice but also sort of scary. As an Aries this is supposedly very normal as we are the eternal children of the zodiac. Anyhow, thanks to everyone for all of their birthday wishes, especially the darling Connie of the Naked Food Cafe who delighted me with a birthday post first thing this morning! It feels so great to be wished well by so many lovely human beings. Awww.

I have a bunch of big plans for this year (what's new?) and feel like I worked through a bunch of emotional stuff last year and am finally ready to start this year off fresh, composed, and determined. Maturity does have it's benefits.

And now for an update on my progress using the techniques demonstrated on the TLC television series "I can make you thin" with Paul McKenna. On last weeks episode, #2 of the series, we learned about dealing with emotional eating. I was looking forward to his advice on this topic since I have been noticing some good results using the techniques he presented on the first episode. I have been eating, on average, about one third of what I used to eat before I saw the show. I have also been slowly but surely becoming more in touch with my body's hunger and fullness signals which I now know I had absolutely no concept of previously. So on the emotional eating show we learned the Callahan Technique which is a tapping technique similar to EFT but simpler. I was kind of concerned about implementing the tapping technique because when I have done EFT in the past it has really brought up some intensely disturbing emotions that I have spent years repressing. Dealing with all of these repressed emotions is simply an exhausting and very uncomfortable experience. And frankly, I am scared to deal with it. But, even though I have been a little more emotionally up and down since I started using the Callahan tapping method, I would say that it is helping quite a bit. I have been able to avoid emotional/stress overeating quite a few times by doing a round or two of tapping. That is the upside. The difficult part is that by avoiding anesthetizing myself with food I still have to deal with my overwhelming emotions which, I am realizing, is just something I am going to have to learn how to do, hopefully happily. At least the tapping technique takes the edge off and I'm all for that. In general, the Callahan technique seems a little gentler to me than EFT. I do find both ways of tapping extremely effective and would definitely recommend them to anyone who in confronted by emotional or stress overeating. I am also noticing that when I take a minute to decide what I really want to eat I am often very surprised by my choices. I am increasingly choosing more and more raw foods voluntarily! Thank Goddess! For example, this past week I have been really digging celery sticks with a creamy raw dressing/dip that I made with sunflower seeds. I even made a list of all the things I could think of that I really, truly wanted to eat and they were all raw! In general, I am just thrilled about how natural this whole experience feels and I am truly grateful that the Universe blessed me with it.

Anyhow darlings, I'm going to leave you now with blessings of health, wealth, happiness and love. Thanks for caring and big love to you all!

I am so happy an grateful now that I am easily and joyfully manifesting into my life:
-a smooth and joyful immigration processing experience for Felix and I.
-financial freedom and abundance.
-health, happiness, and harmony.
-the most beautiful and vibrant expression of life that this body can muster!
-emotional comfort, poise, and calm.
-serenity and grace.
-self confidence, presence, and highest consciousness.
-irie, irie, vibes...
-the ability to be a big time philanthropist.
-total mind/body/spirit healing.

Tremendous Un-Tuna!!

Have you ever eaten a raw food version of a SAD favorite and had it taste so similar that your body is completely fooled? Me neither until very recently. You have to understand that I am not too much into trying to imitate my favorite cooked foods with gourmet raw recipes (except for cheesecake and taco salads) because the resulting faux-SAD-rawfood-creation is never really as satisfying as the real thing, in my honest opinion. The one exception to this rule seems to be raw desserts which I personally find to be better than their SAD cousins in most cases. However, I made some un-tuna salad the other day from a recipe I found on the Raw Freedon Community and flipped my own self right out! Maybe it is because I have been a vegetarian for so long that I don't accurately remember what tuna actually tastes like but as far as I'm concerned, this stuff was really just like tuna. As a kid I used to love tuna grinders which are the New England equivalent of tuna subs or hoagies, but better, of course... They consist of tuna salad on a white flour roll with mayo, provalone cheese, sliced tomatoes, and loads of shredded lettuce (or if you are really lucky, shredded cabbage). In my pre-veggie days I used to eat at least two per week. They are probably the one thing that I really missed when I gave up eating meat. No, let me take that back, I also missed eating cheeseburgers... So anyway, I made this un-tuna salad and when I ate it, I swear to you, my body was like "What are you doing??? That is meat you are eating!!! Why are you eating TUNAFISH???" It tasted and looked and smelled just like tuna salad. Unbelievable. I served the un-tuna-salad on almond bread with cashew mayo, sliced tomatoes, and shredded romaine lettuce. It was just great. It also looked just like tuna as you can see from this picture I took of it...

Hope you are all having a lovely Groundhog Day/Imbolc... Big loves and springtime wishes to you all, except you Southern Hemisphere darlings to whom I wish a happy late summer/ early Autumn, right? Well anyways, have a fantastic day! XXOO

I'll leave you with my exercises in gratitude...

I AM SO HAPPY AND GREATFUL NOW THAT:
My son is so happy and well behaved...
My relationship with my husband is romantic and peaceful.
I am financially free and independant.
I live in the perfect house in the perfect place for me to be the best I can be.
I enjoy my life's work.
I feel fulfilled and happy no matter what.
I live in joy and bliss.
I feel greatful in every moment.
My body/mind/spirit is healthy happy and whole.
I am peaceful and at ease.

10 THINGS I LOVE AND APPRECIATE ABOUT MY MOM:
She is funny.
She is loving.
She is positive and optimistic.
She is kind.
She is sensitive.
She is youthful.
She is unique and eccentric.
She knows how to take charge of a situation when she needs to.
She believes in me.
She takes great care of my Grandmother, her mom...

Wheat is not sweet for me to eat...

This has been an interesting month to say the very least... Aside from big doses of everyday life drama, I had some real revelations about me and food. I started out the month of January by posting my (not the most flattering) full body pictures and my weight, which was extremely embarrassing, humiliating, humbling, etc... After I made the plunge and did that I had a big ole emotional meltdown, forayed into cooked food land, did some major binging and gained about 8 lbs. putting me at 293 lbs!!! Fortunately, with the support of many cyber darlings, I eventually dealt with the whole ordeal and was starting to feel pretty great. By mid-month I was back to 100% raw and by about the 24Th of January I got down to 281.5 lbs... I had lost about 12 lbs. in 10 days eating raw cheesecake everyday!!! I was very happy. But then, just when I was getting raw full swing, money issues came to call. I am usually not too worried if the almighty dollars get too tight as I am not much of a consumer and am pretty good at stretching a buck. However, these money issues were extreme... The guy that Felix has been working for the last three weeks decided not to pay Felix the balance that he owed... Not a small balance by the way, enough to pay for all of our bills including the mortgage and groceries and still have some left over. Also, let me mention that the non-paying guy lives in a $500,000 house and he and his wife both drive very big, diplomat style Mercedes... His reason for not paying Felix was that he didn't have the money... So, needless to say, our grocery selections haven't been the best and I have gained back 4.5 lbs. eating bread, cooked starch, etc., and I am back to exactly the weight I started off the month at- 286 lbs! HOWEVER, I am very impressed with myself because I did not binge at all. I think that the 4.5 lbs. weight gain is basically just my body reacting to food that it doesn't digest well, especially wheat... And I am definately not going to let this whole deal get the best of me... I have managed to scrape together enough food to do a green smoothie feast for the few remaining days of January. We will just have to wait and see what kind of results I get.

Big love to all of you and keep on keepin' on!

This picture was taken the same day as one of those that I dreaded posting in the beginning of January. Amazingly, I don't feel weird about posting this one at all. Thanks to all of the amazing cyber love and support I recieved during my meltdown at the beginning of this month I feel much more loving and accepting tword myself and my wonderful resiliant body! I am sending big, huge, heartfelt gratitude out to each and everyone of you who reached out and helped me during my recent dark days! Your love has healed me!!! xxoo!

The best citrus ever!

I just got back from the "farmers market" and ate the most delicious citrus fruit ever! The sign said it was called a satsuma and it looked like a larger version of a clementine but with warty skin. It still had leaves on it as it was so fresh from the tree. What a lovely thing it was, my little satsuma. Now I wish I had bought like 50 of them or something...

I'm feeling better by the day. Not like I'm on a raw high or anything but just not depressed as much and when feelings come up I try to recognise what they are and deal with them right away. I have a lot of old emotions to release so I'm trying my best not to shove them back down time and time again. Better out than in as far as I'm concerned. I am starting to form a theory about this whole depression thing... I think that it is just chronic emotional detox that we have no idea how to deal with because many of us are brought up under massive stress and in a spiritual void. Let's face it- we as humans don't live naturally or anywhere near how we were intended to. Depression is just one of the natural results of this. It's like when you see animals in the zoo who are lethargic and obviously bummed out. If they were living in their natural environment I'm guessing that they wouldn't be depressed. I know that if I had been born and raised and still lived naturally in tropical paradise, eating tropical fruit, and swimming in warm blue water daily I'd certainly be a hell of a lot happier.

Big loves and blessings to all of you darlings, whoever you are...

What a revelation!

I just have to tell you all that after writing my last post, I felt immediately better. I felt like by writing down all of my emotions and being truthful to myself and everyone else out there it freed me of the bad feelings that I was writing about. Like they left my body and went into my computer and onto my blog and then were gone from me. Wow! What a relief. And then when I read the beautiful comments that the post/I received I felt even better. I have always been afraid to express my negative emotions because I thought that it would make people uncomfortable and then they wouldn't like me. Much to my delight, that doesn't seem to be true at all! This has been a very poignant few days for me I must say... This must be what therapists are talking about when they go on and on about "releasing your emotions." I was always afraid that if I started letting all my negative feelings out they would never stop coming and it would literally kill me. I think that I am starting to understand that the opposite is what is actually true.

I am focusing on raw food. Period. I know that it is what works for me and I am not going to worry anymore if I am doing it right or not. If it's raw, it's fine with me.

Love and my deepest gratitude to you all...

With my head buried in the sand...

Wow. It has been very difficult for me to come back here, to my own blog, after my last post... I am finally really realizing how deep this whole obesity/food addiction/emotional pain all goes. How one thing totally leads to another... The pain of my past is trapped in my fat. I haven't wanted to believe that this is true because it means that all those years of abuse, emotional torture, and abandonment are still with me. I have spent 20 years stuffing down the truth of who I am and how I got this way. I haven't wanted to admit how bad it all was. But now, I realize that if I want to become the vision of myself as a totally healthy and vibrant being that I have in my minds eye than all of the horrible memories, visions, and feelings that I couldn't deal with as a child must be dealt with now. And the scariest part of it all is the anger that I have been suppressing my whole life. I feel like a bomb that is ready to explode and the only way to keep it from blowing is to bury it under a bunch of heavy, deadening food. I overeat to suppress my own overwhelming emotions from the past and the present. I can tell the exact moment when all the cooked food has left my system because an electrical feeling comes over my body and I begin to feel lighter, happier, and more confident. But then, within a few days, after I have lost a few pounds, these overwhelming emotions come up and I have to deal with them one way or another. And, honestly, I really don't know how to do that. As the hyper-sensitive and spiritually gifted child of an emotionally aloof (and often just emotionally absent) and completely dysfunctional family I have few of the skills needed to process feelings. I feel, as ever, alone and unprepared for the task at hand. I would just be so much simpler if everyone would have at least tried to be nice to each other so I wouldn't be standing here alone, crying, trying to clean up everyone else's shit. Sorry for whining. I really do try not to be such a wimp.

Good News!

I listed on Ft. Lauderdale Freecycle that we have 4 papaya and 4 mango trees (little, sapling trees that volunteered from our compost pile) to give away. And guess what- the response was HUGE! I had about 20 responses in less than 8 hours! I didn't think that anyone would be interested in them because we have seen so few people here in South Florida who seem to do any gardening at all... Which, BTW, I find very strange as the weather is fantastic even if the soil is kind of sandy... I think that the huge response from so many who wanted to "adopt" out little baby trees is such a great indicator that people still do value home grown fruits!

We generally just throw all of our compost items- mostly just raw fruit and veg scraps-into what could be loosely described as a compost pile and guess what, so many gorgeous little plants just spring up from where we threw the scraps. Felix, (who is the one who can actually identify the baby plants) and I have decided that from now on we will pot up the little plants and give them away for a very small donation (just to pay for the pots, soil, and water)from time to time. It feels great to pass on these little gems to such happy gardeners.

A strange thing is happening to me, I am naturally craving more raw foods. It seems like since I have taken the "be 100% raw or else" pressure off myself I am now automatically choosing to eat more raw... In my honest opinion, after 2 years of "struggling" to be a "raw fooder", the key to getting all raw is staying vegan, and offering yourself more and more fresh, raw choices that you genuinely desire because they are delicious and you actually like to eat them more than your old cooked food standbys! I realize now that any time I eat any animal products, and especially dairy!, it seems to instigate a binge and also make me ultra, ultra emotional and very angry... Funny thing is that when I was trying to "be strong" and stay "100% raw" and "conquer my cooked food addictions" whenever I fell off "the wagon" it was always for something containing cheese and usually white flour, things which I hadn't eaten with any regularity for quite a long time BEFORE I ever even attempted to become a "raw fooder"... I really applaud all of the raw teachers who advocate a gentle transition from cooked to raw, especially for those "aspiring rawists" with eating disorders or even mild dysfunctional behaviors regarding food. For me, as soon as I heard about raw food I thought, this is the cure I have been looking for! I believed, because I was led to believe, that if I was able to completely give up all cooked food I would be healed of my obesity and food issues forever. And since giving up eating meat had been so easy for me, I just figured that abstaining from cooked food would be just as easy... Boy was I wrong about that one... So if you are having a hard time being a "perfect" raw fooder, just know that you are not alone and to try being gentle with yourself. You are perfect, whole, and magnificent, just the way you are right here, right now. And I commend anyone who has even the slightest interest or motivation to accept responsibility for their own health. Blessings on your own, very personal, raw journey...

Peaceful, easy feeling...

I have cleaned and applied Feng Shui principles to my office/laundry room and I feel so much better! This area of my house is the wealth or love/relationships area of the house (depending on who you ask) so it was vitally important for me to fix it up and make it pretty. Well don't you just know- we woke up this morning to a man calling Felix about a very good job from an old friend of his! And then I found a person on freecycle who is GIVING AWAY FOR FREE an entire house-full of beautiful furniture! I am waiting to hear back from him about the stuff but it would be great to have a couple of new end tables, plant stands, coffee table, etc. And- we have had our 1995 Isuzu Rodeo parked in our backyard since March of 2006... It was looking pretty ghetto and seriously detracting from the nice gardens Felix just put in. So yesterday Harry,the car magician, came over and had the truck running and moved from the backyard to the front driveway in less than 5 minutes and all it cost was $20! Hallelujah! And the truck is actually running really nicely even though we were told by a few people, not Harry the car magician, that it was only good for the junkyard... Yippee! So to all of you out there who are Feng Shui curious- try it! It works miraculously! I have used it, to a varying extent, for 10 years now and am convinced of its power and effectiveness! Try it you won't be sorry...

I am really happy with my diet these past few days. I have been 60-70% raw and all vegan except for honey and 2 eggs a couple days ago. I haven't been eating any cow dairy at all, and I have noticed a big difference in my vitality level and haven't had any bad moods. I have typically been eating: a cup of chai with honey and vanilla soymilk in the morning when I wake up, a few hours later a homemade hummus-avocado-tomato-sprout mountain sandwich on Ezekial sesame bread, at around 2 pm I make us a raw cacao-maca mylkshake and we sit on the front porch and moan and smile while we drink it, then for dinner I usually make a lowish fat combo of beans/tons of veggies/starchy veggie or grain and a big, raw salad with raw dressing. We also have been making a green juice about every other day. I am noticing that when I don't eat all fruit meals my mood is much more stable and I don't get that massive "high", which is good. So far, this seems to be the best diet I have been on for some time as far as keeping my depression at bay AND keeping my mood stable-ish at least. My digestion is also much more happy than when I eat really nut-heavy meals. I have not been binging at all and think this has a lot to do with not feeling deprived and stressed out about my diet. I am just eating what sounds good and healthy for me at the moment. Being stressed out the whole time I am trying my hardest to be 100% raw seems to be less healthy for my body than being %70 percent raw with a stable mood and happy, optimistic outlook. Besides, I am still losing weight, about 2-3 lbs. per week.

Love to you all and big, fat blessings!

Peeling the onion...

Just so you all know- I Love Jesus, too, just in my own special way. I just re-read my last post and realized that it could have been considered a little off-putting... So, I apologise for that.

Anyhow, I have been about 60-70% raw and mostly vegan, my weight is stable and coming off very slowly, and I am relatively happy and even optimistic. I am loving the green juice and Lincoln has been such a lovely juicer operator, even if he won't actually drink the juice when he is done making it...

I am a fire dragon (according to Chinese astrology and most people who know me even a little) and usually have pretty strong defences (like hard, protective dragon scales) and am also considered quite aggressive (note the fire blazing from my mouth and nostrils) BUT I am also (underneath my impressive serpent scale armour) actually extremely sentimental, overly sentimental... When I eat only raw foods, I literally feel raw, as in "stripped of skin and with the underlying flesh exposed, sensitive because of this" just like according to Oxford American Dictionary definition 6 of "raw"... You know, like when you have an injury, like a skinned knee, and you take the band-aide off and the wind blows on the boo-boo, how sensitive it feels? Well, that is how my whole being feels when I am all raw. I am so emotional and sentimental and feeling like I have been struck by lightning. It feels like giving a really intense Reiki treatment all the time... I honestly am not sure how to function, day to day, with that level of feeling and raw energy blasting through me. Everything just seems to be too much! I mean, I was considered to be an "overly sensitive child" even when I was on the "worst diet ever"...

So, I am doing the best I can. I am happy with myself and achieving balance in my life. I am not suffering and I am satisfied.

One love and all blessings to you, too...

Celebrating two years of raw conciousness...

I'm back in action. We left Connecticut last Monday at 10 am. and almost immediately stopped to a dead halt in NYC on the delightful (not) Cross-Bronx expressway for two hours because an oil truck spilled its cargo all the way across I-95... Lincoln had a meltdown in the backseat because he didn't want to pee in a bottle, not that I would have either, but he finally did and then settled down and we were moving southward once again a short while later. That night we stopped at a Hampton Inn in Selma, NC at around midnight after 14 hours in the car. We specifically stopped at the Hampton Inn because on their advertisements they state that they have very comfortable beds with cotton linens and lovely cotton duvet covers. I really dislike synthetic fibers anywhere near my skin and especially cannot abide those plasticized motel blankets... So the Hampton Inn lies! Their beds and linens are not any more comfortable than any other crappy hotel I have ever stayed in! Just FYI... The next morning we were up and ready to go at about 8 am. and decided to hit the hotel breakfast bar before we started driving. So bagels, cream cheese, pasteurized OJ, and tea with half and half later we hit the road. I knew that it wasn't ideal to eat that food but figured that I wouldn't be such a big deal. I started to get anxious about 4 hours later and we had barely even hit South Carolina, by Georgia me and Felix were arguing, and after a Subway sandwich in north Florida (veggie on whole wheat with pepperjack cheese and mayo) I was crying, nearly hysterical and downright miserable... We finally made it home at 10:30 pm on Tuesday night. I drove the whole way. The first thing I did when we got home was clean the refrigerator from top to bottom, inside and out, sterilization style. Then I plugged it an and nothing... It was dead. We ended up at the pancake house, you know, the international one, at about 1 am eating nasty omelets while Felix and I had a "serious discussion about the future of our relationship"... The next morning I went to two home depots and the Habitat for Humanity Re-Store and finally bought a fridge, on credit..., and drove it home myself in the giant rented home depot truck... I then proceeded to go grocery shopping at two stores braving the day before Thanksgiving crowds. Unbelievably, I felt pretty good. I put all the groceries away and went to sleep. The next day, Thanksgiving day, was a nightmare and is now sort of a disgusting blur. I was totally exhausted, the house was still not all cleaned up and I had dinner to make, a cooked vegan dinner. I do not know why I didn't just give up and go to bed. Me and Felix fought all day and then made up and then finally ate dinner at 6 pm. I didn't even eat very much although it tasted great if I do say so myself. By 10 pm I was in the throes of such stomach pains and gastric distress that I cannot even think of it without breaking out in a sweat. The sickness lasted until Sunday, yesterday morning. Then, last night Lincoln started throwing up at 11 pm and didn't stop until 6 this morning. We had to clean the path from his bed to the bathroom about 4 times and I am still doing all the laundry. So needless to say we are wiped out and a little more than exhausted. So if you were wondering where I have been, now you know. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving the moral of the story is- Never go on a road trip without a cooler full of enough delicious raw food to last the entire trip and then some. I wouldn't wish my experience on my worst enemy. I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully well rested and maybe even back to my usually optimistic and happy self. After all, the sun is shining, it is 80 degrees, and we have coconuts and plenty of papayas growing in the jungle formerly known as our back yard garden... Peace y'all and one love.

Still on the salads...

Today I ate/ingested:
2 cups of chocolate chai tea with raw honey and fresh almond milk
about half of a perfect pineapple
mixed baby herbs and greens with an avocado, mushrooms and sweet mustard dressing
almond butter, cacao, and maca mylkshake
another of the same salad I had earlier
1 Tbsp. of coconut butter

I am very happy that I am still loving the salads and actually enjoyed two of them today. I also was craving a vegetable juice but was too lazy to bother making it. I had a hard day today emotionally but I am starting to feel better now. We are leaving to go home to Florida on Monday morning so I am really busy getting packed up and ready to go. I am very grateful that we will be back in the sunshine before Thanksgiving.

Dehydrator Drama, Butter Lettuce, and Labradorite...

So, I have a confession to make. I don't really like salad... I know, I know, such blasphemy from the mouth of an aspiring raw fooder. But, I just don't usually like it, until tonight that is. I have discovered butter lettuce. It is so delicious. I ate two darling heads of the hydroponic delicacy and loved every bite. What a breakthrough for me. I really, really liked it. I didn't eyeball Felix and Linc's tofu and soba noodle stir fry with even the slightest touch of jealousy. It is practically a miracle. I just ate my butter lettuce with some delicious sweet mustard dressing and drank my vegetable juice, happy as could be. Thank you Universe.

I don't think I like dehydrated food, except red pepper flax crackers. I don't even like the smell of the dehydrator while it is running, and yes it is clean! I couldn't even face the stuff that I made in it yesterday. It just doesn't appeal to me. I have been this way since I got the thing and I know it is just me because everyone else seems to love all the stuff I make in it, even my SAD friends... I also think I have gone off cashews, again. They just don't taste that good anymore. Well, except when you make them into raw cheesecake, which I intend to do tomorrow. I have this whole freezerful of nuts and seeds and I couldn't care less about them. I even went to the health food store today after my meditation with my friend Barbara at her healing arts office and ended up buying dried veggie snacks and dried bananas because the thought of eating the nuts in a Lara bar totally turned me off. I don't even know if the things that I got were "really raw" or not but they were the only non-nut rawish snack in the whole health food store! Get with the program, local health food store! I really would rather buy my stuff from the neighborhood HFS and not drive all the way to Providence, RI to Whole Foods, but when practically all the local place sells is supplements, health and beauty aids, and organic meat, it kind of leaves me no choice!

I got a new bracelet today from my favorite jewelry store. It is labradorite and I love it. I am very particular about my jewelry and I think my taste in it is different from most people. I like more rustic, artsy pieces not fancy kinds of stuff. I always pick out the weird pieces that no one else buys, but then everyone always comments on my jewelry and asks where I got it... Anyhow, I just learned that Labradorite is a power stone, allowing you to see through illusions and determine the actual form of your dreams and goals. It is excellent for strengthening intuitions.

Use labradorite to:

Stimulate imagination
Develop enthusiasm and thus, new ideas
To see more clearly in meditation

And also: Labradorite is an excellent gemstone for those seeking to lose weight as it balances and regulates metabolism.

Well imagine that! Love and blessings to you all and sweet dreams too!

Cooked food- too much is never enough...

So I was doing the "raw til dinner thing" and it was cool for the first few days and then- Whammo!- back to the full blown cooked food binging... Ah well... At least we can live and learn. So I am back to all raw and feeling better. I have decided to "just say no" to the scale and just eat raw. My focus is eat raw for health, spirituality, vitality, and freedom from food addictions. My goal is to see how much healthier I can be at the end of one year. I have also come around to the fact that I absolutely must be prepared with delicious raw food at all times because when I am I don't even miss the cooked stuff. So today I packed the dehydrator with almond bread, onion crackers, marinated veggies for "fajitas" and I also made some raw oatmeal, and cashew sour cream. Tomorrow the dehydrating will continue with tomato-pepper flax crackers, cinnamon rolls, stuffed mushrooms and maybe some kind of tart or cheesecake or something.

Today I ate:
mango and strawberry smoothie
raw cinnamon apple oatmeal (Ani Phyo's recipe- delicious)
bowl of creamy corn chowder
a couple of spoonfuls of coconut butter (not oil)
piece of almond bread with cashew cream and marinated veggies
2 cacao truffles

I also had two cups of chai with cooked almond milk and maple syrup, but I really enjoy them so I'm not going to worry 'bout it... I'm making some fresh almond milk to have with it tomorrow along with some raw honey.

I am really looking forward to moving past the dieting mentality. You know, when you try to eat "perfectly" and as little as possible throughout the day in anticipation of weighing in the next morning and expecting to see some big loss on the scale. And then if it doesn't happen you get all depressed and say "Screw it! I'll just eat whatever I want today and start over tomorrow". Or am I the only one who does this? I am so ready to bag that whole deal... I have such a beautiful picture of myself and my life as a raw fooder in my imagination and the aforementioned dumb dieting behavior just doesn't fit into the new vision I have of myself. Besides the whole dieting drama mentality is so torturous and doesn't work anyway. I'm just gonna love myself the best way I know how from here on out. No more short and long term body goals, no more I will only eat fruit until I lose 20 lbs., and absolutely no more lying to myself out of self loathing and desperation. I (finally) love myself too much to accept that kind of crap from myself any longer. And if I slip up, or stumble, or face challenges and don't prevail, I'll just keep on loving myself and my dutiful, darling, dependable body because that is what feels the best to me now. And I am so glad about that.

Moving on...

Today I ingested:
cacao/almond mylkshake
a small blob of almond butter
more cacao/almond mylkshake (big surprise, I know...)
curried veggie soup w/ 2 slices sprouted grain bread and coconut oil
cooked vegan dinner
goat cheese on sprouted grain bread...

I really must go grocery shopping. I burned myself pretty badly on my hand cooking dinner... Maybe I should take the hint and leave the cooked food alone, for the love of God/dess. Once I eat one bite of it I seem to lose all control of myself. When I am eating raw food it isn't like that at all. It truly is amazing. I am doing well regardless of my cooked food trasgressions and have decided to just move on. I will be putting more effort into making raw food rather than cooked food in the future. This will help me.

Mother India...

So I have given up all the tea drinking. It isn't raw and that's that. I also have made peace with the fact that cashews aren't the best thing for me to be eating. Almonds yes. Cashews not so much. I know that raw cacao is questionable on the how-healthy-is-it-really scale, but I really like it and it seems to make me feel quite nice plus it tastes great combined with maca which helps my depressive tendencies immensely. I tend to believe in superfoods. All the ones I have tried have made me feel better and have also caused me to have less of an appetite. So I think that might be due to them providing the massive nutrition that my body needs. Remember that I was raised on some serious crap for food so I suspect that I have some serious nutritional deficiencies going on. I really wanted to eat some more of that baked rice pasta that got a hold of me last night but after I had my cacao smoothie this morning I forgot all about it. I have been all raw, all day and I feel much better. I had some energy/bodywork this evening from my friend Barbara and it was really great. I had some great visuals while she was working on me and we both got the message that it is time for another trip to India... We are going to go on May 1st, 2008, probably for 2 weeks. I am really happy about it and have been yearning for India ever since I was last there in 2000. We are going to be taking a group of people this time so if there is anyone out there who wants to have their mind blown with some serious old school guru love, let me know. Be warned in advance though, you will never be the same again... We are planning to fly into Bangalore and do the Baba ashram thing as well as Pondicherry/Auroville, Sri Ramana Maharishi's ashram and, of course, Goa... I have big love for Calangute and Baga Beach, big, big, serious love. I almost didn't leave last time I was there.

Today I nourished myself with:
about 2.5 quarts of almond/cacao/maca smoothie love!
water with vitamin c packets
salad with kimchee
dehydrated veggie snack
cinnamon lara bar
glass of unsweetened almond milk

Oh, and a really weird thing happened to me this morning. When I got up to pee this morning I weighed myself and saw that I had gained 5 pounds since yesterday. Then I went back to bed and had a really bizarre dream about a huge sale at a crappy discount store near my house and slept for like 2 more hours. When I woke up again I re-weighed myself and had lost the 5 pound gain. Strange.