Yes, Grasshopper...

Feeling fine today darlings, that is for sure! Life is grand! I had an epiphany yesterday and realized that sometimes I am just too uptight. I am too hard on myself and I over analyze everything. I just need to get over myself, seriously. All of this anal retentive worrying just isn't my style... So from here on out I am all about lightening up. Literally. My heavy thoughts and the attending heavy emotions are creating and enforcing the heaviness of my physical body. The ironic thing is that there is no need for it anymore. I am free to live however I choose. I am a grownup now. I am no longer under the oppressive heaviness that I experienced in my youth. I haven't actually been there in over 10 years. I was just emotionally stuck there, stuck in that perspective... I have been inadvertently reliving my past because I didn't know any better. It was all still too foggy, but when I began to live a more enlightened lifestyle the fog began to lift and I started to awaken and to remember, to get out of my own spiritual purgatory... It's actually a really cool experience (now that I am starting to understand what the hell is happening and I becoming am less afraid) And that, right there, is why I love raw food. It lifts the fog and lets us shine our true light. It lifts up our vibration and we begin to actualize our glorious human potential. The beauty and light that we begin to radiate comes from within. Raw food feeds the light and it begins to shine brighter and brighter. We begin to feel better and better and have more and more energy to... That is where I sometimes get confused. What am I supposed to do with all of this energy that I have all of a sudden? I would get all balled up and uptight because I didn't know what to do with myself. Now I do. I'm not supposed to do anything. I can do what ever I choose to do. I am free to do what ever I choose to do at the time. Isn't that fantastic? I am free. I made it. I am not "there" anymore. I am here now. It feels great.

Feasting commencing...

I have been a heavy juicer lately. At least 32 ounces per day starting first thing in the morning. I even made my way completely through an entire quart of beet greens, carrot, and friends combo that tasted exactly like mud and I even almost enjoyed it... It is like my body can't get enough, like I am finally absorbing some nutrition. I think it is really helping me. So then this morning my sista, you know, Jamaica Barbara, announces out of the clear blue that she is juice feasting. So, of course, I jumped on board and proceeded to immediately shove a huge honeydew melon and a few bunches of greens through my juicer and here I am... I don't really have any expectations for this whole process. I guess that I am just looking at it as an interesting experience and a welcome break from dealing with food all the time.

So wish us luck and send us happy juicy vibes! I'll be documenting it all here with honesty and probably some emotional d-raw-ma so stay tuned... I have a feeling that this is the part where it gets really good!

Hugs and kisses to all y'all out there! Beaming you with blessed light rays!

They say it's my birthday!

Today, I turn 32. Finally. For some reason, for the past year I have been telling everyone that asks me how old I am that I am 32. I don't know why. Maybe I was just subconsciously very excited to turn 32. It feels like this will be a very good year for me. I am actually starting to feel like a grown-up which is kind of nice but also sort of scary. As an Aries this is supposedly very normal as we are the eternal children of the zodiac. Anyhow, thanks to everyone for all of their birthday wishes, especially the darling Connie of the Naked Food Cafe who delighted me with a birthday post first thing this morning! It feels so great to be wished well by so many lovely human beings. Awww.

I have a bunch of big plans for this year (what's new?) and feel like I worked through a bunch of emotional stuff last year and am finally ready to start this year off fresh, composed, and determined. Maturity does have it's benefits.

And now for an update on my progress using the techniques demonstrated on the TLC television series "I can make you thin" with Paul McKenna. On last weeks episode, #2 of the series, we learned about dealing with emotional eating. I was looking forward to his advice on this topic since I have been noticing some good results using the techniques he presented on the first episode. I have been eating, on average, about one third of what I used to eat before I saw the show. I have also been slowly but surely becoming more in touch with my body's hunger and fullness signals which I now know I had absolutely no concept of previously. So on the emotional eating show we learned the Callahan Technique which is a tapping technique similar to EFT but simpler. I was kind of concerned about implementing the tapping technique because when I have done EFT in the past it has really brought up some intensely disturbing emotions that I have spent years repressing. Dealing with all of these repressed emotions is simply an exhausting and very uncomfortable experience. And frankly, I am scared to deal with it. But, even though I have been a little more emotionally up and down since I started using the Callahan tapping method, I would say that it is helping quite a bit. I have been able to avoid emotional/stress overeating quite a few times by doing a round or two of tapping. That is the upside. The difficult part is that by avoiding anesthetizing myself with food I still have to deal with my overwhelming emotions which, I am realizing, is just something I am going to have to learn how to do, hopefully happily. At least the tapping technique takes the edge off and I'm all for that. In general, the Callahan technique seems a little gentler to me than EFT. I do find both ways of tapping extremely effective and would definitely recommend them to anyone who in confronted by emotional or stress overeating. I am also noticing that when I take a minute to decide what I really want to eat I am often very surprised by my choices. I am increasingly choosing more and more raw foods voluntarily! Thank Goddess! For example, this past week I have been really digging celery sticks with a creamy raw dressing/dip that I made with sunflower seeds. I even made a list of all the things I could think of that I really, truly wanted to eat and they were all raw! In general, I am just thrilled about how natural this whole experience feels and I am truly grateful that the Universe blessed me with it.

Anyhow darlings, I'm going to leave you now with blessings of health, wealth, happiness and love. Thanks for caring and big love to you all!

I am so happy an grateful now that I am easily and joyfully manifesting into my life:
-a smooth and joyful immigration processing experience for Felix and I.
-financial freedom and abundance.
-health, happiness, and harmony.
-the most beautiful and vibrant expression of life that this body can muster!
-emotional comfort, poise, and calm.
-serenity and grace.
-self confidence, presence, and highest consciousness.
-irie, irie, vibes...
-the ability to be a big time philanthropist.
-total mind/body/spirit healing.

Frog & Snake Medicine!

Last night, after everyone else went to bed, I had a visit from a gorgeous little golden colored tree frog! This little being was very friendly and came hopping right tword me on three different occasions! I believe that when animals make their presence known to us it is a blessing and a way in which our higher self attempts to communicate with us. This is what I discovered about the messages of frog:

Frog:
DRUID ANIMAL ORACLE
Sensitivity, Medicine, Hidden Beauty and Power

ANIMAL SPEAK
Transformation through Water and Sound

Because frogs are found in water and on land they hold the magic of both. Water has long been associated with emotional cleansing. Mud, the combination of earth and water is used in healing therapies to rid the body of toxins. Because those with this medicine are extremely sensitive the use of mud baths is advised.

The frog is a totem of metamorphosis. Most frogs undergo a two stage life cycle. Eggs hatch into tadpoles which grow and eventually become adults. This signifies the awakening of ones creativity. When frog leaps into a persons life it is an invitation to jump into their creative power. To do this it is helpful to know which stage of life you are presently in. By studying the characteristics of the frog the discovery of your present life cycle is known.

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And then, if that wasn't enough, I was blessed by the presence of a gorgous snake this morning. It was just lying there on the top of the AC unit right outside the back door! Gorgeous thing it was. Here is what I learned about the massages of snake.

DRUID ANIMAL ORACLE
Transformation, Healing, Life Energy

ANIMAL SPEAK (as SNAKE)
Rebirth, Resurrection, Initiation, Wisdom

Important Snake Teaching: New Beginnings

The power of Snake medicine is creative. It is being able to shed the old and create the new, just as the snake sheds its old skin and emerges as a whole new creature. As the snake crawls away, it leaves its old “life/skin” behind, never looking back and thus always creating a new beginning. This medicine can serve as a powerful metaphor for those wishing to break free.

The snake symbolizes healing on a cellular level. Because their bodies are lightweight and flexible they have speed and agility. When they enter into your world expect swift changes to sweep through your life. These changes signify a death of the old and a birth into untapped power, creativity and wisdom. Snake is a powerful totem to have. Only those with a high degree of spiritual training, be it past or present, will be awarded this totem. It is the guardian of sacred places and the keeper of hidden knowledge.

Well, alrighty then... I guess I am in for a grand old time of transformation, metamorphosis, and creative expression via mudbaths and skin-shedding... What fun and how appropriate!

And now for my daily manifestation exercises...

I am so happy and greatful now that I am so quickly and easily manifesting into my life:
my most healthy and beautiful body/mind/spirit.
a beautiful place that I can settle into and make into our family home.
an easy and enjoyable path to financial freedom.
the completion, publication, and vigorous sale of my first book.
the best relationship I can have with all of my loved ones.
the best tropical vacation ever!!!
vibrant health through living food for myself and others.
a fun and rewarding daily yoga practice.
an enlightening daily meditation practice.
enough money to pay off our house, in full.

10 things I love and appreciate about Lincoln:
his laughter
the really funny things that he does
his beautiful smile
his wisdom and compassion
the snuggles that he gives me
his little hands and feet
his determination
his sensitivity
his non-violent nature
his contagious joy!

Bright blessings and big love to everyone out there!

PS- The spellchecker on blogger doesn't seem to be working for me right now. So if you see some typos, please understand... XXOO

The best citrus ever!

I just got back from the "farmers market" and ate the most delicious citrus fruit ever! The sign said it was called a satsuma and it looked like a larger version of a clementine but with warty skin. It still had leaves on it as it was so fresh from the tree. What a lovely thing it was, my little satsuma. Now I wish I had bought like 50 of them or something...

I'm feeling better by the day. Not like I'm on a raw high or anything but just not depressed as much and when feelings come up I try to recognise what they are and deal with them right away. I have a lot of old emotions to release so I'm trying my best not to shove them back down time and time again. Better out than in as far as I'm concerned. I am starting to form a theory about this whole depression thing... I think that it is just chronic emotional detox that we have no idea how to deal with because many of us are brought up under massive stress and in a spiritual void. Let's face it- we as humans don't live naturally or anywhere near how we were intended to. Depression is just one of the natural results of this. It's like when you see animals in the zoo who are lethargic and obviously bummed out. If they were living in their natural environment I'm guessing that they wouldn't be depressed. I know that if I had been born and raised and still lived naturally in tropical paradise, eating tropical fruit, and swimming in warm blue water daily I'd certainly be a hell of a lot happier.

Big loves and blessings to all of you darlings, whoever you are...

What a revelation!

I just have to tell you all that after writing my last post, I felt immediately better. I felt like by writing down all of my emotions and being truthful to myself and everyone else out there it freed me of the bad feelings that I was writing about. Like they left my body and went into my computer and onto my blog and then were gone from me. Wow! What a relief. And then when I read the beautiful comments that the post/I received I felt even better. I have always been afraid to express my negative emotions because I thought that it would make people uncomfortable and then they wouldn't like me. Much to my delight, that doesn't seem to be true at all! This has been a very poignant few days for me I must say... This must be what therapists are talking about when they go on and on about "releasing your emotions." I was always afraid that if I started letting all my negative feelings out they would never stop coming and it would literally kill me. I think that I am starting to understand that the opposite is what is actually true.

I am focusing on raw food. Period. I know that it is what works for me and I am not going to worry anymore if I am doing it right or not. If it's raw, it's fine with me.

Love and my deepest gratitude to you all...

With my head buried in the sand...

Wow. It has been very difficult for me to come back here, to my own blog, after my last post... I am finally really realizing how deep this whole obesity/food addiction/emotional pain all goes. How one thing totally leads to another... The pain of my past is trapped in my fat. I haven't wanted to believe that this is true because it means that all those years of abuse, emotional torture, and abandonment are still with me. I have spent 20 years stuffing down the truth of who I am and how I got this way. I haven't wanted to admit how bad it all was. But now, I realize that if I want to become the vision of myself as a totally healthy and vibrant being that I have in my minds eye than all of the horrible memories, visions, and feelings that I couldn't deal with as a child must be dealt with now. And the scariest part of it all is the anger that I have been suppressing my whole life. I feel like a bomb that is ready to explode and the only way to keep it from blowing is to bury it under a bunch of heavy, deadening food. I overeat to suppress my own overwhelming emotions from the past and the present. I can tell the exact moment when all the cooked food has left my system because an electrical feeling comes over my body and I begin to feel lighter, happier, and more confident. But then, within a few days, after I have lost a few pounds, these overwhelming emotions come up and I have to deal with them one way or another. And, honestly, I really don't know how to do that. As the hyper-sensitive and spiritually gifted child of an emotionally aloof (and often just emotionally absent) and completely dysfunctional family I have few of the skills needed to process feelings. I feel, as ever, alone and unprepared for the task at hand. I would just be so much simpler if everyone would have at least tried to be nice to each other so I wouldn't be standing here alone, crying, trying to clean up everyone else's shit. Sorry for whining. I really do try not to be such a wimp.

Releasing this extra weight in 2008!

Over the past week or so I have been doing some serious soul searching and re-evaluating of my priorities and life path. I have come to realize that my constant concern over being so overweight (morbidly obese, actually) has been taking up so much of my energy for over 20 years now. Worrying about how fat I am has been a part of me for as long as I can really remember. It is time for me to let both the extra weight and my concern about it go. I choose to feel free, light, vibrant, and well. This is the year for me to accomplish this goal. So from here on out I will be posting my weight and a current picture of me at the beginning of each month. I feel that this exercise will make it clear to me how much progress I am making and hopefully help to keep me from backsliding as I have done so often in the past. And maybe, just maybe, this journal of my progress will help to inspire another being who is walking their own similar path.

May this new year bring you all joy, light, and the most beautiful of blessings!

OK- Here goes!
Starting weight: January 3, 2007- 286 lbs.
Here are two pictures of me at about 285 lbs. One was taken this summer and the one with Linc was taken in November 2007.

The best CHAI ever!!!

I have been noticing lately that by allowing myself to have and enjoy my beloved cup of chai tea first thing every morning I feel very satisfied and happy. I love chai tea. It is my favorite drink, period. But, I was noticing that the soymilk in the chai made me feel lethargic and started me craving cooked food immediately. So last night I put a couple of organic chai teabags into cold, purified water and let them "steep" overnight. When I woke up this morning I served the tea over ice with fresh, raw almond milk and raw honey... It was absolutely the best chai ever! I loved that it was cold and the almond milk and honey tasted better to me not having been heated up by the hot tea. This will be my new morning ritual.

Lincoln made a really great batch of green juice this am. Nothing cuter than a 4 year old making the morning juice...

I'm working on about 25 projects and 3 paintings all at the same time so I really gotta go now...

Good News!

I listed on Ft. Lauderdale Freecycle that we have 4 papaya and 4 mango trees (little, sapling trees that volunteered from our compost pile) to give away. And guess what- the response was HUGE! I had about 20 responses in less than 8 hours! I didn't think that anyone would be interested in them because we have seen so few people here in South Florida who seem to do any gardening at all... Which, BTW, I find very strange as the weather is fantastic even if the soil is kind of sandy... I think that the huge response from so many who wanted to "adopt" out little baby trees is such a great indicator that people still do value home grown fruits!

We generally just throw all of our compost items- mostly just raw fruit and veg scraps-into what could be loosely described as a compost pile and guess what, so many gorgeous little plants just spring up from where we threw the scraps. Felix, (who is the one who can actually identify the baby plants) and I have decided that from now on we will pot up the little plants and give them away for a very small donation (just to pay for the pots, soil, and water)from time to time. It feels great to pass on these little gems to such happy gardeners.

A strange thing is happening to me, I am naturally craving more raw foods. It seems like since I have taken the "be 100% raw or else" pressure off myself I am now automatically choosing to eat more raw... In my honest opinion, after 2 years of "struggling" to be a "raw fooder", the key to getting all raw is staying vegan, and offering yourself more and more fresh, raw choices that you genuinely desire because they are delicious and you actually like to eat them more than your old cooked food standbys! I realize now that any time I eat any animal products, and especially dairy!, it seems to instigate a binge and also make me ultra, ultra emotional and very angry... Funny thing is that when I was trying to "be strong" and stay "100% raw" and "conquer my cooked food addictions" whenever I fell off "the wagon" it was always for something containing cheese and usually white flour, things which I hadn't eaten with any regularity for quite a long time BEFORE I ever even attempted to become a "raw fooder"... I really applaud all of the raw teachers who advocate a gentle transition from cooked to raw, especially for those "aspiring rawists" with eating disorders or even mild dysfunctional behaviors regarding food. For me, as soon as I heard about raw food I thought, this is the cure I have been looking for! I believed, because I was led to believe, that if I was able to completely give up all cooked food I would be healed of my obesity and food issues forever. And since giving up eating meat had been so easy for me, I just figured that abstaining from cooked food would be just as easy... Boy was I wrong about that one... So if you are having a hard time being a "perfect" raw fooder, just know that you are not alone and to try being gentle with yourself. You are perfect, whole, and magnificent, just the way you are right here, right now. And I commend anyone who has even the slightest interest or motivation to accept responsibility for their own health. Blessings on your own, very personal, raw journey...

Peaceful, easy feeling...

I have cleaned and applied Feng Shui principles to my office/laundry room and I feel so much better! This area of my house is the wealth or love/relationships area of the house (depending on who you ask) so it was vitally important for me to fix it up and make it pretty. Well don't you just know- we woke up this morning to a man calling Felix about a very good job from an old friend of his! And then I found a person on freecycle who is GIVING AWAY FOR FREE an entire house-full of beautiful furniture! I am waiting to hear back from him about the stuff but it would be great to have a couple of new end tables, plant stands, coffee table, etc. And- we have had our 1995 Isuzu Rodeo parked in our backyard since March of 2006... It was looking pretty ghetto and seriously detracting from the nice gardens Felix just put in. So yesterday Harry,the car magician, came over and had the truck running and moved from the backyard to the front driveway in less than 5 minutes and all it cost was $20! Hallelujah! And the truck is actually running really nicely even though we were told by a few people, not Harry the car magician, that it was only good for the junkyard... Yippee! So to all of you out there who are Feng Shui curious- try it! It works miraculously! I have used it, to a varying extent, for 10 years now and am convinced of its power and effectiveness! Try it you won't be sorry...

I am really happy with my diet these past few days. I have been 60-70% raw and all vegan except for honey and 2 eggs a couple days ago. I haven't been eating any cow dairy at all, and I have noticed a big difference in my vitality level and haven't had any bad moods. I have typically been eating: a cup of chai with honey and vanilla soymilk in the morning when I wake up, a few hours later a homemade hummus-avocado-tomato-sprout mountain sandwich on Ezekial sesame bread, at around 2 pm I make us a raw cacao-maca mylkshake and we sit on the front porch and moan and smile while we drink it, then for dinner I usually make a lowish fat combo of beans/tons of veggies/starchy veggie or grain and a big, raw salad with raw dressing. We also have been making a green juice about every other day. I am noticing that when I don't eat all fruit meals my mood is much more stable and I don't get that massive "high", which is good. So far, this seems to be the best diet I have been on for some time as far as keeping my depression at bay AND keeping my mood stable-ish at least. My digestion is also much more happy than when I eat really nut-heavy meals. I have not been binging at all and think this has a lot to do with not feeling deprived and stressed out about my diet. I am just eating what sounds good and healthy for me at the moment. Being stressed out the whole time I am trying my hardest to be 100% raw seems to be less healthy for my body than being %70 percent raw with a stable mood and happy, optimistic outlook. Besides, I am still losing weight, about 2-3 lbs. per week.

Love to you all and big, fat blessings!

Still on the salads...

Today I ate/ingested:
2 cups of chocolate chai tea with raw honey and fresh almond milk
about half of a perfect pineapple
mixed baby herbs and greens with an avocado, mushrooms and sweet mustard dressing
almond butter, cacao, and maca mylkshake
another of the same salad I had earlier
1 Tbsp. of coconut butter

I am very happy that I am still loving the salads and actually enjoyed two of them today. I also was craving a vegetable juice but was too lazy to bother making it. I had a hard day today emotionally but I am starting to feel better now. We are leaving to go home to Florida on Monday morning so I am really busy getting packed up and ready to go. I am very grateful that we will be back in the sunshine before Thanksgiving.

Cooked food- too much is never enough...

So I was doing the "raw til dinner thing" and it was cool for the first few days and then- Whammo!- back to the full blown cooked food binging... Ah well... At least we can live and learn. So I am back to all raw and feeling better. I have decided to "just say no" to the scale and just eat raw. My focus is eat raw for health, spirituality, vitality, and freedom from food addictions. My goal is to see how much healthier I can be at the end of one year. I have also come around to the fact that I absolutely must be prepared with delicious raw food at all times because when I am I don't even miss the cooked stuff. So today I packed the dehydrator with almond bread, onion crackers, marinated veggies for "fajitas" and I also made some raw oatmeal, and cashew sour cream. Tomorrow the dehydrating will continue with tomato-pepper flax crackers, cinnamon rolls, stuffed mushrooms and maybe some kind of tart or cheesecake or something.

Today I ate:
mango and strawberry smoothie
raw cinnamon apple oatmeal (Ani Phyo's recipe- delicious)
bowl of creamy corn chowder
a couple of spoonfuls of coconut butter (not oil)
piece of almond bread with cashew cream and marinated veggies
2 cacao truffles

I also had two cups of chai with cooked almond milk and maple syrup, but I really enjoy them so I'm not going to worry 'bout it... I'm making some fresh almond milk to have with it tomorrow along with some raw honey.

I am really looking forward to moving past the dieting mentality. You know, when you try to eat "perfectly" and as little as possible throughout the day in anticipation of weighing in the next morning and expecting to see some big loss on the scale. And then if it doesn't happen you get all depressed and say "Screw it! I'll just eat whatever I want today and start over tomorrow". Or am I the only one who does this? I am so ready to bag that whole deal... I have such a beautiful picture of myself and my life as a raw fooder in my imagination and the aforementioned dumb dieting behavior just doesn't fit into the new vision I have of myself. Besides the whole dieting drama mentality is so torturous and doesn't work anyway. I'm just gonna love myself the best way I know how from here on out. No more short and long term body goals, no more I will only eat fruit until I lose 20 lbs., and absolutely no more lying to myself out of self loathing and desperation. I (finally) love myself too much to accept that kind of crap from myself any longer. And if I slip up, or stumble, or face challenges and don't prevail, I'll just keep on loving myself and my dutiful, darling, dependable body because that is what feels the best to me now. And I am so glad about that.

Liver cleanse today!

So for the past four days I have been eating cooked food... Uggghhhh... My body is so over cooked food. So here I am, recommitted to raw. And that is that. No matter how many times I go back and forth between cooked and raw, being a raw foodist is what I strive to be and what I know myself to be in my heart. I know I will succeed because I will never quit reaching to achieve this goal.

I had my gallbladder removed in 1997 when I was 21. It was an emergency surgery and I was very lucky to get to the hospital in time as the gallbladder ruptured during the operation. 21 years old is a very early age to have one's gallbladder out but at that time I was already 100 lbs. overweight, had been drinking/partying heavily for at least 3 years, and was eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream per day... Not a recipe for health by any standards. Having to have an important organ removed from my body at such a young age made an impact on me and I began to seriously investigate natural health and take my spirituality more seriously at that time. But, my addictions were strong and I tried and failed many, many times to overcome them. I am happy to report that I no longer drink any alcohol, eat any meat, do any drugs (prescription, over the counter, or recreational included), or smoke any cigarettes. I am basically vegan except for the occasional cheese or egg transgression, and only if I am having a binge. So that took me ten years to accomplish... But I have also left behind a wicked case of rosacea and adult acne, nightly insomnia, debilitating social anxiety, various toxic relationships, and very serious clinical depression/suicidal tendencies, just by changing my daily lifestyle choices. The health/lifestyle goals I still have left to accomplish are to have a daily yoga practice, have a daily meditation practice, be a consistent raw vegan and to detoxify off this 120 lbs. of remaining toxins from my body. What a long strange trip it's been, to say the least.

Yesterday, Felix and I decided that today is the day for the long awaited liver cleanse. I think I could definitely use it... Neither of us has ever done one before, though we have done the Blessed Herbs colon cleanse, a parasite cleanse, and a total body cleanse. So we are juice fasting today in preparation for the cleanse this evening and we ate very lightly yesterday. I'll post about our experiences with the cleanse tomorrow and maybe I'll even have a nice jar full of my very own gallstones to take a picture of and share with you all... How exciting is that?