I've been workin' my way back to you, babe...

OK darlings... I'm just gonna let you know that I feel like a dork blogging here when I am not eating all raw... Which just happens, you know. I definitely do not want to put myself out there as some sort of "100% successful raw foodist" poser. Ewww. But, I have decided to just get over myself and blog about my raw journey, issues and all, because my intention is always to eat raw, even if my addictions/emotional issues sometimes cause me to sabotage myself... Plus, I have noticed that writing about my challenges really helps me to process them and sometimes even helps me to release behaviors that are holding me back. So here goes, the story of my summer slide down the slippery slopes of my mountain of issues. I think I just fell completely off track during my "wanna-be-a-juice-feaster" phase which brought up every craving, addiction, and self-discipline issue that I could ever even imagine having plus a few more... Now, I'm not bashing juice feasting in any way!!! It is an amazing process with huge cleansing and restorative power. Unfortunately, it just sent me right off my rocker, which, let's face it, doesn't take much. So, after I gave up the juice feasting I just really white-knuckled it trying to resist the cravings for fried starch with sugar... Gross. Anyhow, will power, self-discipline, or whatever you want to call it, just isn't one of my greatest gifts. Needless to say, I began the lovely ping pong game of cooked (vegetarian but not always vegan) vs. raw... A game nearly as boring as watching a real ping pong game except on top of being boring it also makes you fatter, depressed and comes with a lovely feeling of self-defeat. After a while of that I was (understandably) feeling really weak and tired all the time. So I somehow convinced myself that I needed to eat more protein which led to eating eggs and even fish on about 5 occasions. I also began drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee as well. For that I can only plead retardation... I told you it's a slippery slope. Anyhow, the eggs and fish did make me feel a little more balanced and I did have a little more energy (coulda been the coffee), but I have also gained about 15-20 lbs... Ugghhh. I do have to say that I am grateful to have realized that I am the kind of person who gains weight when I eat inappropriate food for humans. Because if I didn't I would probably continue eating it until it killed me, without much concern because I would be thin anyway, seriously. The bottom line is that I get high off of cooked food. And, I have been high on it all my life. Not the easiest habit to kick. Plus, besides tasting good and being a socially acceptable addictive substance that I can get anywhere, it feels good for at least a few minutes after I eat it. However, my expanding midsection and tight clothes do not. Which brings me to where I am at right now. Experts say to replace your addiction with something that is good for you, for example, quit snorting piles of cocaine and take up jogging... I'm not sure that would work for me. I'm more apt to jog for about 5 minutes, break a sweat, and say "Fuck jogging. Snorting cocaine is so much more fun." Thank Goddess I don't have a cocaine issue. (Knocking on wood really hard) So I have decided that even though I may not be able to give up Dunkin Donuts lattes, bread, and cheese (the kind made from cow milk) for jogging, I may be able to bite the bullet and give up a cooked food high for a much healthier raw high. I know that getting high on food in general might not be considered PC in the "raw community" but I have finally made my peace with it. The bottom line is that everything we put into our bodies has an effect on how we feel. So we are all getting high on food regardless of what we eat. As an "addiction" prone person maybe the best thing I can do for myself is just to get the healthiest buzz I can manage. Maybe I can just learn to love and stop judging myself and trying to change all my "faults". So what if I like to get a good buzz on. At least my preferences in mind altering substances have improved, let me tell ya... Maybe if I can just accept that I am who I am and be happy about it I'll be OK. There is so much more to me than being fat and thin-obsessed. I'm just going to focus on doing what feels truly good and remembering that life really is one big raw-chocolate party... Maybe one day the feeling of having a healthy body will be all the high I need, but for now, it's all good. I am what I am. Peace out y'all. Big kisses and hugs. And don't forget to shake your ass today, OK?

Still Juicy...

I am still juice feasting though I have had a couple of challenges with it. The first challenge is that we were temporarily out of cash this week so I ended up doing more master cleanse drinks than juice and that didn't really work out too well. I would feel fine all day but by the evenings I was starving and couldn't resist the temptation of the cooked dinner that I made for the fam. I don't think that the master cleanse contains enough nutrition to keep me from feeling hungry. Green juice, on the other hand, makes me feel nourished and calm and happy. I am also a big fan of watermelon juice. There is a Jamaican guy who sells native watermelons on the side of the road right next to Lincoln's school! It is like a watermelon drive-thru! I am going to start buying them from him this week now that we have some money again... The other challenge that I have had is cooking and preparing the families cooked food. It is just torturous. The smells, the taste, the whole deal. It is like a heroin addict trying to kick his 20 year habit while preparing fixes for other junkies all day, every day. It sucks. So I have been really thinking and, honestly, praying about how I can be strong enough to resist this terrible temptation and finally heal from my lifelong crippling addiction to food. I have been over at least 100 scenarios in my mind about how I can continue to cook for my family and be successful as a juice feaster and ultimately as a raw foodist. This has been my challenge now for over two years and I am so tired of struggling with it. I really, really know in my heart that my true desire is to be healthy, vibrant, and free from constantly indulging in my addiction to cooked food. I know that living raw is my path to achieving this. I just feel that I need to be free to jump into and devote all of my energy to my chosen raw path without constantly having to go back to cooking everyday. I feel like I am trying to live in two worlds at once. It isn't fun. By last night I was ready to just give up the whole thing and throw in the towel and just try to accept a life of being fat and depressed. I was severely bummed out to say the least. Then Felix finally came home (he has been working 12 hour days for over a month straight) and I was discussing with him what he wanted for food this week as I was planning on going grocery shopping this morning. He announced that all he wants to eat is juice, smoothies, salads with avocado and raw Caesar dressing, an occasional piece of spouted bread, and some raw sweets of some sort. He said that the raw food I make is really delicious and that he has more energy when he doesn't eat any cooked food. He also admitted that he has been throwing out the cooked part of the lunches that I pack for him because he realized that he gets tired after he eats it. He said that he didn't want to tell me about throwing out the lunches because he knows how hard it is for me to constantly be dealing with cooked food when I am doing such a great job on my juice feast! HALLELUJAH!!! EUREKA!!! AMEN!!! And the best part of the whole thing is that I never even said a word to him about how I was struggling with cooking for him, etc... That means that this is a miracle, plain and simple. As far as cooking for Lincoln goes, I'm just not sure how to deal with that part yet. He already has a raw smoothie for breakfast and then I pack him a vegan/vegetarian/mostly organic lunch for school. That part is no big deal and he is very happy with his lunches even though they are different than the other kids who all eat the SAD. What to feed him for dinner is a little trickier... Right now he eats mostly grain based dinners like rice pasta and homemade sauce, rice and beans (though he usually picks out all of the beans...), pancakes, scrambled eggs and toast, veggie sandwiches on Ezekiel bread, potatoes, etc. It isn't really a big deal for me to make these foods for him usually but sometimes when I am feeling weak it is still a huge challenge. Plus, I know Lincoln would feel better if he would eat more raw, unprocessed food. Plus, he has quite the love affair with soy milk which we have to work on getting rid of... I'm just going to have to do the best I can to slowly improve his diet without him really noticing. If anyone out there has any ideas on how to do this I would love to hear your suggestions...

I am feeling pretty good health-wise. I am not going to day that I feel great because I am still very tired and often cranky but that could also be due to all the emotional stuff and stress that I have been going through. I am losing weight but am not sure how much because I have banished the scale. It makes me too mental to weigh myself because I end up obsessing over it and weighing myself constantly. I figure that it is doing more harm than good so I am avoiding it. Plus I have been having my period this week and that didn't help either...

This has definitely been a serious and challenging journey so far, but I am looking forward to see what the rest of it brings now that I am more free of my cooked food demon. I think I might be starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and for that I am very grateful...

Sista Barbara is also still juice feasting! She is doing great and her diabetes is healing! Hip Hip Horay! She drinks mostly green vegetable juice and some various melon juices. She is also a huge fan of coconut water which is "half orgasmic" as far as she is concerned... She also has added some raw cacao and spirulina to her supplement regime for added mineralization and because it tastes good. If she is overwhelmingly hungry in the evenings she eats some lettuce or spinach with some avocado or occaionally a banana. She is losing weight very quickly and is feeling great!

Love and lightbeams with blissful frequencies to you all, you darling humans you!

I have fooled around long enough...

OK kids! No more messing around for me. I have now been raw conscious for over two years and am at the exact weight I was when I first discovered raw foodism... This is only due to my constant backsliding and getting on and off the "wagon" innumerable times in this two year period. I have lost (and regained) the same 10-30 lbs. at least 10 times. Well, I have had enough of all that. I'm back with the Raw Food Boot camp crew at Carlene Jones' amazing new Rawk Village. I am currently participating in a 4 day fruit only challenge which will hopefully help to peel off the newest 5 lbs. of holiday chub that has recently attached itself firmly to my ass... And yes, it is 100% pure cooked vegan chub. I will be documenting my food intake and weight loss here for a while at least until this whole 100% low fat raw thing becomes second nature which will, with any luck, happen sooner rather than later... It has been an eye opener for me to realize that I gain weight just as easily eating cooked vegan food as I do eating SAD/vegetarian. I don't get as depressed eating vegan though. It seems like when I eat veggie/SAD I am depressed, binge, and gain weight. When I eat cooked vegan I also gain weight and binge, but I am not as depressed. When I eat high fat raw I don't really lose any weight and I have massive cravings for cooked food but I feel really happy and well. And when I eat low-fat raw I lose weight really quickly, feel great (almost so great I don't even know what to do with myself), have almost no cravings and definitely no depression. I actually find myself on such a raw high that I freak my own self right out. But, I am going to have to get used to it because low-fat 100% raw is what works best for the weight loss and that is what I am all about right now. I have sincerely had it with being fat.

Hope you all had a great holiday and wishing you the best in the new year.

Good News!

I listed on Ft. Lauderdale Freecycle that we have 4 papaya and 4 mango trees (little, sapling trees that volunteered from our compost pile) to give away. And guess what- the response was HUGE! I had about 20 responses in less than 8 hours! I didn't think that anyone would be interested in them because we have seen so few people here in South Florida who seem to do any gardening at all... Which, BTW, I find very strange as the weather is fantastic even if the soil is kind of sandy... I think that the huge response from so many who wanted to "adopt" out little baby trees is such a great indicator that people still do value home grown fruits!

We generally just throw all of our compost items- mostly just raw fruit and veg scraps-into what could be loosely described as a compost pile and guess what, so many gorgeous little plants just spring up from where we threw the scraps. Felix, (who is the one who can actually identify the baby plants) and I have decided that from now on we will pot up the little plants and give them away for a very small donation (just to pay for the pots, soil, and water)from time to time. It feels great to pass on these little gems to such happy gardeners.

A strange thing is happening to me, I am naturally craving more raw foods. It seems like since I have taken the "be 100% raw or else" pressure off myself I am now automatically choosing to eat more raw... In my honest opinion, after 2 years of "struggling" to be a "raw fooder", the key to getting all raw is staying vegan, and offering yourself more and more fresh, raw choices that you genuinely desire because they are delicious and you actually like to eat them more than your old cooked food standbys! I realize now that any time I eat any animal products, and especially dairy!, it seems to instigate a binge and also make me ultra, ultra emotional and very angry... Funny thing is that when I was trying to "be strong" and stay "100% raw" and "conquer my cooked food addictions" whenever I fell off "the wagon" it was always for something containing cheese and usually white flour, things which I hadn't eaten with any regularity for quite a long time BEFORE I ever even attempted to become a "raw fooder"... I really applaud all of the raw teachers who advocate a gentle transition from cooked to raw, especially for those "aspiring rawists" with eating disorders or even mild dysfunctional behaviors regarding food. For me, as soon as I heard about raw food I thought, this is the cure I have been looking for! I believed, because I was led to believe, that if I was able to completely give up all cooked food I would be healed of my obesity and food issues forever. And since giving up eating meat had been so easy for me, I just figured that abstaining from cooked food would be just as easy... Boy was I wrong about that one... So if you are having a hard time being a "perfect" raw fooder, just know that you are not alone and to try being gentle with yourself. You are perfect, whole, and magnificent, just the way you are right here, right now. And I commend anyone who has even the slightest interest or motivation to accept responsibility for their own health. Blessings on your own, very personal, raw journey...

Peaceful, easy feeling...

I have cleaned and applied Feng Shui principles to my office/laundry room and I feel so much better! This area of my house is the wealth or love/relationships area of the house (depending on who you ask) so it was vitally important for me to fix it up and make it pretty. Well don't you just know- we woke up this morning to a man calling Felix about a very good job from an old friend of his! And then I found a person on freecycle who is GIVING AWAY FOR FREE an entire house-full of beautiful furniture! I am waiting to hear back from him about the stuff but it would be great to have a couple of new end tables, plant stands, coffee table, etc. And- we have had our 1995 Isuzu Rodeo parked in our backyard since March of 2006... It was looking pretty ghetto and seriously detracting from the nice gardens Felix just put in. So yesterday Harry,the car magician, came over and had the truck running and moved from the backyard to the front driveway in less than 5 minutes and all it cost was $20! Hallelujah! And the truck is actually running really nicely even though we were told by a few people, not Harry the car magician, that it was only good for the junkyard... Yippee! So to all of you out there who are Feng Shui curious- try it! It works miraculously! I have used it, to a varying extent, for 10 years now and am convinced of its power and effectiveness! Try it you won't be sorry...

I am really happy with my diet these past few days. I have been 60-70% raw and all vegan except for honey and 2 eggs a couple days ago. I haven't been eating any cow dairy at all, and I have noticed a big difference in my vitality level and haven't had any bad moods. I have typically been eating: a cup of chai with honey and vanilla soymilk in the morning when I wake up, a few hours later a homemade hummus-avocado-tomato-sprout mountain sandwich on Ezekial sesame bread, at around 2 pm I make us a raw cacao-maca mylkshake and we sit on the front porch and moan and smile while we drink it, then for dinner I usually make a lowish fat combo of beans/tons of veggies/starchy veggie or grain and a big, raw salad with raw dressing. We also have been making a green juice about every other day. I am noticing that when I don't eat all fruit meals my mood is much more stable and I don't get that massive "high", which is good. So far, this seems to be the best diet I have been on for some time as far as keeping my depression at bay AND keeping my mood stable-ish at least. My digestion is also much more happy than when I eat really nut-heavy meals. I have not been binging at all and think this has a lot to do with not feeling deprived and stressed out about my diet. I am just eating what sounds good and healthy for me at the moment. Being stressed out the whole time I am trying my hardest to be 100% raw seems to be less healthy for my body than being %70 percent raw with a stable mood and happy, optimistic outlook. Besides, I am still losing weight, about 2-3 lbs. per week.

Love to you all and big, fat blessings!

Indian food escapade...

My pants are definitely getting looser. So I am feeling good about that. I have been running all over the place getting things done before we head back to Florida. I am going to be so happy to have some coconuts and oranges, and sunlight, of course. The Indian food got a hold of me tonight... It didn't taste too good though and I didn't eat too much of it. I definitely don't feel the need to eat any more cooked stuff either after I had the Indian food. So the key will be to get right back to the raw love ASAP.

Today I ingested:
32 oz. green lemonade!
lemon herb tea w/ stevia
small piece dark chocolate
mango/cherry/cashew mylkshake... YUM!!!
rooibos tea with raw honey and fresh raw almond milk
warm miso broth with mushrooms and baby arugula (much tastier than the Indian food that followed it)
normal sized plate of Indian takeout... (didn't taste as good as I expected- Thank Goddess!!!)

Cooked food- too much is never enough...

So I was doing the "raw til dinner thing" and it was cool for the first few days and then- Whammo!- back to the full blown cooked food binging... Ah well... At least we can live and learn. So I am back to all raw and feeling better. I have decided to "just say no" to the scale and just eat raw. My focus is eat raw for health, spirituality, vitality, and freedom from food addictions. My goal is to see how much healthier I can be at the end of one year. I have also come around to the fact that I absolutely must be prepared with delicious raw food at all times because when I am I don't even miss the cooked stuff. So today I packed the dehydrator with almond bread, onion crackers, marinated veggies for "fajitas" and I also made some raw oatmeal, and cashew sour cream. Tomorrow the dehydrating will continue with tomato-pepper flax crackers, cinnamon rolls, stuffed mushrooms and maybe some kind of tart or cheesecake or something.

Today I ate:
mango and strawberry smoothie
raw cinnamon apple oatmeal (Ani Phyo's recipe- delicious)
bowl of creamy corn chowder
a couple of spoonfuls of coconut butter (not oil)
piece of almond bread with cashew cream and marinated veggies
2 cacao truffles

I also had two cups of chai with cooked almond milk and maple syrup, but I really enjoy them so I'm not going to worry 'bout it... I'm making some fresh almond milk to have with it tomorrow along with some raw honey.

I am really looking forward to moving past the dieting mentality. You know, when you try to eat "perfectly" and as little as possible throughout the day in anticipation of weighing in the next morning and expecting to see some big loss on the scale. And then if it doesn't happen you get all depressed and say "Screw it! I'll just eat whatever I want today and start over tomorrow". Or am I the only one who does this? I am so ready to bag that whole deal... I have such a beautiful picture of myself and my life as a raw fooder in my imagination and the aforementioned dumb dieting behavior just doesn't fit into the new vision I have of myself. Besides the whole dieting drama mentality is so torturous and doesn't work anyway. I'm just gonna love myself the best way I know how from here on out. No more short and long term body goals, no more I will only eat fruit until I lose 20 lbs., and absolutely no more lying to myself out of self loathing and desperation. I (finally) love myself too much to accept that kind of crap from myself any longer. And if I slip up, or stumble, or face challenges and don't prevail, I'll just keep on loving myself and my dutiful, darling, dependable body because that is what feels the best to me now. And I am so glad about that.

Liver cleanse today!

So for the past four days I have been eating cooked food... Uggghhhh... My body is so over cooked food. So here I am, recommitted to raw. And that is that. No matter how many times I go back and forth between cooked and raw, being a raw foodist is what I strive to be and what I know myself to be in my heart. I know I will succeed because I will never quit reaching to achieve this goal.

I had my gallbladder removed in 1997 when I was 21. It was an emergency surgery and I was very lucky to get to the hospital in time as the gallbladder ruptured during the operation. 21 years old is a very early age to have one's gallbladder out but at that time I was already 100 lbs. overweight, had been drinking/partying heavily for at least 3 years, and was eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream per day... Not a recipe for health by any standards. Having to have an important organ removed from my body at such a young age made an impact on me and I began to seriously investigate natural health and take my spirituality more seriously at that time. But, my addictions were strong and I tried and failed many, many times to overcome them. I am happy to report that I no longer drink any alcohol, eat any meat, do any drugs (prescription, over the counter, or recreational included), or smoke any cigarettes. I am basically vegan except for the occasional cheese or egg transgression, and only if I am having a binge. So that took me ten years to accomplish... But I have also left behind a wicked case of rosacea and adult acne, nightly insomnia, debilitating social anxiety, various toxic relationships, and very serious clinical depression/suicidal tendencies, just by changing my daily lifestyle choices. The health/lifestyle goals I still have left to accomplish are to have a daily yoga practice, have a daily meditation practice, be a consistent raw vegan and to detoxify off this 120 lbs. of remaining toxins from my body. What a long strange trip it's been, to say the least.

Yesterday, Felix and I decided that today is the day for the long awaited liver cleanse. I think I could definitely use it... Neither of us has ever done one before, though we have done the Blessed Herbs colon cleanse, a parasite cleanse, and a total body cleanse. So we are juice fasting today in preparation for the cleanse this evening and we ate very lightly yesterday. I'll post about our experiences with the cleanse tomorrow and maybe I'll even have a nice jar full of my very own gallstones to take a picture of and share with you all... How exciting is that?