Wheat is not sweet for me to eat...

This has been an interesting month to say the very least... Aside from big doses of everyday life drama, I had some real revelations about me and food. I started out the month of January by posting my (not the most flattering) full body pictures and my weight, which was extremely embarrassing, humiliating, humbling, etc... After I made the plunge and did that I had a big ole emotional meltdown, forayed into cooked food land, did some major binging and gained about 8 lbs. putting me at 293 lbs!!! Fortunately, with the support of many cyber darlings, I eventually dealt with the whole ordeal and was starting to feel pretty great. By mid-month I was back to 100% raw and by about the 24Th of January I got down to 281.5 lbs... I had lost about 12 lbs. in 10 days eating raw cheesecake everyday!!! I was very happy. But then, just when I was getting raw full swing, money issues came to call. I am usually not too worried if the almighty dollars get too tight as I am not much of a consumer and am pretty good at stretching a buck. However, these money issues were extreme... The guy that Felix has been working for the last three weeks decided not to pay Felix the balance that he owed... Not a small balance by the way, enough to pay for all of our bills including the mortgage and groceries and still have some left over. Also, let me mention that the non-paying guy lives in a $500,000 house and he and his wife both drive very big, diplomat style Mercedes... His reason for not paying Felix was that he didn't have the money... So, needless to say, our grocery selections haven't been the best and I have gained back 4.5 lbs. eating bread, cooked starch, etc., and I am back to exactly the weight I started off the month at- 286 lbs! HOWEVER, I am very impressed with myself because I did not binge at all. I think that the 4.5 lbs. weight gain is basically just my body reacting to food that it doesn't digest well, especially wheat... And I am definately not going to let this whole deal get the best of me... I have managed to scrape together enough food to do a green smoothie feast for the few remaining days of January. We will just have to wait and see what kind of results I get.

Big love to all of you and keep on keepin' on!

This picture was taken the same day as one of those that I dreaded posting in the beginning of January. Amazingly, I don't feel weird about posting this one at all. Thanks to all of the amazing cyber love and support I recieved during my meltdown at the beginning of this month I feel much more loving and accepting tword myself and my wonderful resiliant body! I am sending big, huge, heartfelt gratitude out to each and everyone of you who reached out and helped me during my recent dark days! Your love has healed me!!! xxoo!

Inspirational Blogger Award Love Fest!!!

I have recently been honored by Shell with the Inspirational Blogger Award... What a lovely surprise that was especially since it was given to me by such a remarkably cool lady!



"For those bloggers who inspire others through their words and actions. With a positive attitude, and uplifting spirit these bloggers make the blogosphere a better place, and encourage others to do the same. This award is for bloggers who rise up to set an example but continue to reach out and support others."

Part of this award is that I now get to pass it on to five other inspirational bloggers. How much fun is that!!! So here are my picks:

Connie of the Naked Food Cafe and Banana Island shares her raw vegan journey and lovely life with spirituality, humor, joy, and lots of love. She is ultimately compassionate and remarkably wise. The support that she has offered to me on my own raw path has been an invaluable treasure.
I advise anyone to stop by her blogs for a daily dose of goddess love!

Starfire's Blog is the #1 rated blog on Alissa Cohen's Raw Food Talk! She is a Hawaiian Hula Goddess with a remarkable raw transformation story. Starfire offers support and inspiration to so many "rawbies" and is greatly loved and respected by me and so many others! Plus her posts are so much fun!

Check out Mattye Lee's Raw Progression and you will find a unique and very interesting lady with a passion for raw living. The progress that she has made on her own quest for health is truly inspiring and very motivating! Mattye is currently writing a book on frugal raw living which I am sure will be a big help to all of us living raw on a budget!

Australia's own Annette and her blog Free Spirit Life has been one of my favorites since it discovered me this past summer. Annette and her family are truly free spirits living a nomadic life down under. Her blog isn't necessarily a raw food blog but she is a raw enthusiast. Her poetry, musings, and observations remind us all how interesting life can be when it is lived outside the box!

Rawstazia is a persistent and spiritual woman who's raw food journey always reminds me of the power of faith combined with living foods. Her honesty and frankness in sharing her story is wonderful. Her compassion and understanding for others is apparent in her writing and also in the support she so generously shares with others. I am cheering her on!

Now we will have to wait and see who my five picks for the inspirational blogger award decide to pass on the love to. Remember ladies- you need to pass it on to five other bloggers each! Talk about spreading the love...

Big blessings and all love to all of you out there! Yeah, every single one of you!

The best citrus ever!

I just got back from the "farmers market" and ate the most delicious citrus fruit ever! The sign said it was called a satsuma and it looked like a larger version of a clementine but with warty skin. It still had leaves on it as it was so fresh from the tree. What a lovely thing it was, my little satsuma. Now I wish I had bought like 50 of them or something...

I'm feeling better by the day. Not like I'm on a raw high or anything but just not depressed as much and when feelings come up I try to recognise what they are and deal with them right away. I have a lot of old emotions to release so I'm trying my best not to shove them back down time and time again. Better out than in as far as I'm concerned. I am starting to form a theory about this whole depression thing... I think that it is just chronic emotional detox that we have no idea how to deal with because many of us are brought up under massive stress and in a spiritual void. Let's face it- we as humans don't live naturally or anywhere near how we were intended to. Depression is just one of the natural results of this. It's like when you see animals in the zoo who are lethargic and obviously bummed out. If they were living in their natural environment I'm guessing that they wouldn't be depressed. I know that if I had been born and raised and still lived naturally in tropical paradise, eating tropical fruit, and swimming in warm blue water daily I'd certainly be a hell of a lot happier.

Big loves and blessings to all of you darlings, whoever you are...

What a revelation!

I just have to tell you all that after writing my last post, I felt immediately better. I felt like by writing down all of my emotions and being truthful to myself and everyone else out there it freed me of the bad feelings that I was writing about. Like they left my body and went into my computer and onto my blog and then were gone from me. Wow! What a relief. And then when I read the beautiful comments that the post/I received I felt even better. I have always been afraid to express my negative emotions because I thought that it would make people uncomfortable and then they wouldn't like me. Much to my delight, that doesn't seem to be true at all! This has been a very poignant few days for me I must say... This must be what therapists are talking about when they go on and on about "releasing your emotions." I was always afraid that if I started letting all my negative feelings out they would never stop coming and it would literally kill me. I think that I am starting to understand that the opposite is what is actually true.

I am focusing on raw food. Period. I know that it is what works for me and I am not going to worry anymore if I am doing it right or not. If it's raw, it's fine with me.

Love and my deepest gratitude to you all...

With my head buried in the sand...

Wow. It has been very difficult for me to come back here, to my own blog, after my last post... I am finally really realizing how deep this whole obesity/food addiction/emotional pain all goes. How one thing totally leads to another... The pain of my past is trapped in my fat. I haven't wanted to believe that this is true because it means that all those years of abuse, emotional torture, and abandonment are still with me. I have spent 20 years stuffing down the truth of who I am and how I got this way. I haven't wanted to admit how bad it all was. But now, I realize that if I want to become the vision of myself as a totally healthy and vibrant being that I have in my minds eye than all of the horrible memories, visions, and feelings that I couldn't deal with as a child must be dealt with now. And the scariest part of it all is the anger that I have been suppressing my whole life. I feel like a bomb that is ready to explode and the only way to keep it from blowing is to bury it under a bunch of heavy, deadening food. I overeat to suppress my own overwhelming emotions from the past and the present. I can tell the exact moment when all the cooked food has left my system because an electrical feeling comes over my body and I begin to feel lighter, happier, and more confident. But then, within a few days, after I have lost a few pounds, these overwhelming emotions come up and I have to deal with them one way or another. And, honestly, I really don't know how to do that. As the hyper-sensitive and spiritually gifted child of an emotionally aloof (and often just emotionally absent) and completely dysfunctional family I have few of the skills needed to process feelings. I feel, as ever, alone and unprepared for the task at hand. I would just be so much simpler if everyone would have at least tried to be nice to each other so I wouldn't be standing here alone, crying, trying to clean up everyone else's shit. Sorry for whining. I really do try not to be such a wimp.

Releasing this extra weight in 2008!

Over the past week or so I have been doing some serious soul searching and re-evaluating of my priorities and life path. I have come to realize that my constant concern over being so overweight (morbidly obese, actually) has been taking up so much of my energy for over 20 years now. Worrying about how fat I am has been a part of me for as long as I can really remember. It is time for me to let both the extra weight and my concern about it go. I choose to feel free, light, vibrant, and well. This is the year for me to accomplish this goal. So from here on out I will be posting my weight and a current picture of me at the beginning of each month. I feel that this exercise will make it clear to me how much progress I am making and hopefully help to keep me from backsliding as I have done so often in the past. And maybe, just maybe, this journal of my progress will help to inspire another being who is walking their own similar path.

May this new year bring you all joy, light, and the most beautiful of blessings!

OK- Here goes!
Starting weight: January 3, 2007- 286 lbs.
Here are two pictures of me at about 285 lbs. One was taken this summer and the one with Linc was taken in November 2007.