Tuesday, January 8, 2008

With my head buried in the sand...


Wow. It has been very difficult for me to come back here, to my own blog, after my last post... I am finally really realizing how deep this whole obesity/food addiction/emotional pain all goes. How one thing totally leads to another... The pain of my past is trapped in my fat. I haven't wanted to believe that this is true because it means that all those years of abuse, emotional torture, and abandonment are still with me. I have spent 20 years stuffing down the truth of who I am and how I got this way. I haven't wanted to admit how bad it all was. But now, I realize that if I want to become the vision of myself as a totally healthy and vibrant being that I have in my minds eye than all of the horrible memories, visions, and feelings that I couldn't deal with as a child must be dealt with now. And the scariest part of it all is the anger that I have been suppressing my whole life. I feel like a bomb that is ready to explode and the only way to keep it from blowing is to bury it under a bunch of heavy, deadening food. I overeat to suppress my own overwhelming emotions from the past and the present. I can tell the exact moment when all the cooked food has left my system because an electrical feeling comes over my body and I begin to feel lighter, happier, and more confident. But then, within a few days, after I have lost a few pounds, these overwhelming emotions come up and I have to deal with them one way or another. And, honestly, I really don't know how to do that. As the hyper-sensitive and spiritually gifted child of an emotionally aloof (and often just emotionally absent) and completely dysfunctional family I have few of the skills needed to process feelings. I feel, as ever, alone and unprepared for the task at hand. I would just be so much simpler if everyone would have at least tried to be nice to each other so I wouldn't be standing here alone, crying, trying to clean up everyone else's shit. Sorry for whining. I really do try not to be such a wimp.

4 comments:

Claudia said...

Hi, I feel so compelled to comment on your post....you had helped me with the feng shui. You should know that you can take solace in the fact that you are not repeating the past with your own child. It is hard to let go and forgive but as you parent your own child you can re-parent yourself. Walking really helps, listening to music as well. Just be sure to wear shades so you can cry!!! I recommend Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals. Sending you lots of love---Claudia

Annette said...

You are beautiful.
Be gentle with you.
love and hugs,
Annette

Anonymous said...

i do not think you are a wimp at all. In fact, to me, you seem incredibly strong, courageous and full of light.
cuddles,
shellxxxx

Queen B said...

Darling ladies-
Your comments are so very healing and comforting... You have no idea how much your gentle words and caring have helped me. I am so greatful to you all for bringing such light to me when my world seemed so dark. Love and only blessings to all of you! XXOO