Monday, September 8, 2008

I've been workin' my way back to you, babe...

OK darlings... I'm just gonna let you know that I feel like a dork blogging here when I am not eating all raw... Which just happens, you know. I definitely do not want to put myself out there as some sort of "100% successful raw foodist" poser. Ewww. But, I have decided to just get over myself and blog about my raw journey, issues and all, because my intention is always to eat raw, even if my addictions/emotional issues sometimes cause me to sabotage myself... Plus, I have noticed that writing about my challenges really helps me to process them and sometimes even helps me to release behaviors that are holding me back. So here goes, the story of my summer slide down the slippery slopes of my mountain of issues. I think I just fell completely off track during my "wanna-be-a-juice-feaster" phase which brought up every craving, addiction, and self-discipline issue that I could ever even imagine having plus a few more... Now, I'm not bashing juice feasting in any way!!! It is an amazing process with huge cleansing and restorative power. Unfortunately, it just sent me right off my rocker, which, let's face it, doesn't take much. So, after I gave up the juice feasting I just really white-knuckled it trying to resist the cravings for fried starch with sugar... Gross. Anyhow, will power, self-discipline, or whatever you want to call it, just isn't one of my greatest gifts. Needless to say, I began the lovely ping pong game of cooked (vegetarian but not always vegan) vs. raw... A game nearly as boring as watching a real ping pong game except on top of being boring it also makes you fatter, depressed and comes with a lovely feeling of self-defeat. After a while of that I was (understandably) feeling really weak and tired all the time. So I somehow convinced myself that I needed to eat more protein which led to eating eggs and even fish on about 5 occasions. I also began drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee as well. For that I can only plead retardation... I told you it's a slippery slope. Anyhow, the eggs and fish did make me feel a little more balanced and I did have a little more energy (coulda been the coffee), but I have also gained about 15-20 lbs... Ugghhh. I do have to say that I am grateful to have realized that I am the kind of person who gains weight when I eat inappropriate food for humans. Because if I didn't I would probably continue eating it until it killed me, without much concern because I would be thin anyway, seriously. The bottom line is that I get high off of cooked food. And, I have been high on it all my life. Not the easiest habit to kick. Plus, besides tasting good and being a socially acceptable addictive substance that I can get anywhere, it feels good for at least a few minutes after I eat it. However, my expanding midsection and tight clothes do not. Which brings me to where I am at right now. Experts say to replace your addiction with something that is good for you, for example, quit snorting piles of cocaine and take up jogging... I'm not sure that would work for me. I'm more apt to jog for about 5 minutes, break a sweat, and say "Fuck jogging. Snorting cocaine is so much more fun." Thank Goddess I don't have a cocaine issue. (Knocking on wood really hard) So I have decided that even though I may not be able to give up Dunkin Donuts lattes, bread, and cheese (the kind made from cow milk) for jogging, I may be able to bite the bullet and give up a cooked food high for a much healthier raw high. I know that getting high on food in general might not be considered PC in the "raw community" but I have finally made my peace with it. The bottom line is that everything we put into our bodies has an effect on how we feel. So we are all getting high on food regardless of what we eat. As an "addiction" prone person maybe the best thing I can do for myself is just to get the healthiest buzz I can manage. Maybe I can just learn to love and stop judging myself and trying to change all my "faults". So what if I like to get a good buzz on. At least my preferences in mind altering substances have improved, let me tell ya... Maybe if I can just accept that I am who I am and be happy about it I'll be OK. There is so much more to me than being fat and thin-obsessed. I'm just going to focus on doing what feels truly good and remembering that life really is one big raw-chocolate party... Maybe one day the feeling of having a healthy body will be all the high I need, but for now, it's all good. I am what I am. Peace out y'all. Big kisses and hugs. And don't forget to shake your ass today, OK?


Annette said...

The raw jouney is one of peeling your own layers, facing all of your juicy bits (the interesting things that make you YOU), and remembering to spit out the pits (the things that do not serve us) along the way.

I relate my own journey to a see-saw - at the bottom when my health was not good due to my habits then bouncing up to the top flying high when I was in balance and eating foods that serve me.

I don't believe that you have to be 100% raw to keep this blog - you are doing this perfectly - showing the REAL (raw) you. Keep on going hon, there are plenty out here cheering you on and wishing you vibrant health - you deserve it you know!

Connie said...

You know what I don't get? I wouldn't care if you weighed 900 pounds, I would think you were beautiful and I do not think the weight matters a smidgen and I would love to run into you somewhere. But for myself? Anything less than perfect is shit!!! Really pisses me off! How do we stop wanting so desperately to be thin? Why do we put sooooo much undue importance on it? JUst don't understand!

Thanks for the post lovely lady!

Candice Davis said...

You are well ahead of most people in western societies (yes, even the thin ones), because you know yourself well on this issue. Raw is great, but perfection does NOT exist. (And I don't care what guru espouses 100%.)

You've got lots of support online, so don't feel like you have to be all Raw to post! Heck, you can just write about how good that one Raw thing was you had yesterday. It's all in the journey, girl!

Queen B said...

Wow! You ladies are awesome... Thanks for the support. I'm feeling better already! Love and light to you all! XXOO