What?

I really do try, in this blog at least, not to dwell on my ridiculous behavior regarding food. Today, I will digress... I mean, seriously, I ate Carvel Ice Cream Cake! It was a three year old friends birthday party (Happy Birthday Beauty Queen!) and I just had to have a piece of cake... Now I know that any "normal" person who happened to be reading this blog would be like "Whatever lady, just get over it! It's just a piece of cake! You were at a birthday party for heavens sake!" Yeah, yeah, I know! But, you see, I DON'T WANT CARVEL ICE CREAM CAKE IN MY LIFE ANYMORE WHAT-SO-EVER! Why does disgusting, chemical laden, loaded with refined sugar, skanky non-food even appeal to me? Am I punishing myself? Am I rewarding myself by poisoning myself? Is my body suicidal? I have such a strong desire to be a total raw vegan, that means NO COOKED FOOD, never mind nasty crap non-food. I really am devoted to my health and spirituality and also to the health of the planet, so why is this so difficult? Ever day when I wake up I intend to be all raw, all healthy, all day but by 4 pm (or even before if I have had a stressful day) I am into the cooked food and feeling like a loser again! By 10pm I am plotting my raw-strategy for the next day! It is total obsessive weirdness... And so here I am, sitting at the computer, pouring my heart out to you with a belly full of heavy, not-digesting food that I made for the rest of the family for dinner but managed to eat a hearty portion of my own damn self! I often fantasize about how my days would go if I had my dream life, imagining myself doing yoga in the early morning sunshine, juicing and preparing divine living foods and enjoying them, beautifully presented, sitting at the table eating with a knife and fork like a human, giving myself mud baths in the summer sunshine, meditating, teaching Lincoln to chant (which he is actually really good at naturally, it seems) teaching and serving others on their own paths to wellness... Truthfully, the only thing stopping me from doing any of this is myself and it has got to stop! I really have no other obstacles to my dream life other than my own self. I feel so ungrateful for not making the most of my abundant blessings in life. I think it is time to get out the EFT technique again. I toyed with it this past winter and was having remarkable results and I think that it just freaked me out and I stopped doing it, not knowing how to handle my new found peace and calmness. It was unnerving, severely. Sometimes I think that it is just because I have been seriously overweight for my whole life, or at least since my parents got divorced when I was seven, and I just don't know what to expect out of life in a slim body. It is like I am hiding from myself or something.